Notes To Myself

Please remember to do the following things each day:

Smile :)
Go for a Walk :)
Give bf a Kiss when he leaves to Work:)
Take it Easy :)
Enjoy the Little Things :)
Love Life :)
Act like Everyday is a Day Gained :)
Remember to Breathe :)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


So went to talk to the lady about my anxiety and she basically told me that she doesn't think I should even concider going back to work for atleast 6 months. She said that it's going to take a long to time to work through what's behind my anxiety - and deal with my PTSD and deal with my fibro and deal with underlying depression that she's sure I have.

At first I was shocked at the diagnosis of depression, so I asked her what the definition of the word was... and the inability to feel joy or happyness is the definition... so I guess in some ways I'm depressed because I do have a hard time finding joy in things.

But this sucks I was hoping a 3 month leave would be enough... 6 months or longer?

And shit... I don't want to do the PTSD therapy there are certain things that are best left unremembered.... but I guess it might help... DAMN it though... fuck...


Chronic pain workshop tomorow at 5:30... another councillor appnt. at 10:45 on friday.... I'm tired of having everything in my day revolving around me being somewhere to talk about me being sick... being sick is hard enough without having to go place to talk about being sick all the time.

Gah.... I'm just frustrated... not sure what to do with myself really... I just wanted to get through this faster than 6 months.

Macavity: The Mystery Cat

One of my favourite poems of all time <3

Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw--
For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime--Macavity's not there!
Macavity, Macavity, there's no on like Macavity,
He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.
His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
And when you reach the scene of crime--Macavity's not there!
You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air--
But I tell you once and once again, Macavity's not there!
Macavity's a ginger cat, he's very tall and thin;
You would know him if you saw him, for his eyes are sunken in.
His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly doomed;
His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed.
He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake;
And when you think he's half asleep, he's always wide awake.
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
For he's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.
You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square--
But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity's not there!
He's outwardly respectable. (They say he cheats at cards.)
And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard's.
And when the larder's looted, or the jewel-case is rifled,
Or when the milk is missing, or another Peke's been stifled,
Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair--
Ay, there's the wonder of the thing! Macavity's not there!
And when the Foreign Office finds a Treaty's gone astray,
Or the Admiralty lose some plans and drawings by the way,
There may be a scap of paper in the hall or on the stair--
But it's useless of investigate--Macavity's not there!
And when the loss has been disclosed, the Secret Service say:
"It must have been Macavity!"--but he's a mile away.
You'll be sure to find him resting, or a-licking of his thumbs,
Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums.
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macacity,
There never was a Cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.
He always has an alibit, or one or two to spare:
And whatever time the deed took place--MACAVITY WASN'T THERE!
And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known
(I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone)
Are nothing more than agents for the Cat who all the time
Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of Crime!


Alas if I paid more attention to rhyme and scale... or if I actually applied myself poetry might be fun to write :D

btw this poem is written by TS Eliot <--- Brilliant :D

My Cat

Honestly... without my little bundle of hairy joy my life would have less meaning. My cat will come and cuddle with me when I'm sad or hurting... or play and go catch plastic pop bottle lids when I throw them... and KINDA bring them back to me... she's a cat though... she drops it just outside of my reach about 89 percent of the time.

Sometimes my cat is the only one home with me... and keeps me company when I'm lonely... climbs under my blankets and cuddles against my legs to keep herself warm and purrs as she cuddles :)

I can also call her from upstairs and she'll answer as she's running up the stairs that she's on her way...

She's so tiny that she's no problem to carry either. And I love her calico antics <3

*Happy Thoughts*

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Need a Cheerful Blog

Cheer time!

It's not good to be down all the time and sad... so I thought I'd make a good long list of all the things I'm super happy about :D

For one... I have lots of great friends who are pretty much awesome ;P
For two... My bf is totally awesome :D
For three... I'm not dying
For four... I have coffee right now :)
For five... I may not be able to dance... but I can always *dance*
For six... My life can only go UP from here :P
For seven... I have atleast six things I'm happy about :D
For eight... My house is nice and warm :D
For nine... I want to "jump and get crazy" - music makes me smile :D
For ten... I can *throw rocks* at all sorts of people
For eleven... I have WEED :D
For twelve... the coffee I was talking about ealier is actually a mocha!
For thriteen... the MOTHER2 fan-translation is DONE!
For fourteen... KOTOR anybody>
For fifteen... Diablo II is a life saver if you're bored.
For sixteen... I'm 20!!! Haha.. not a teen an adult :P
For seventeen.. I look 16!! Hehe... student discounts :D
For eighteen... I have this goddamn computer with all it's crazy problems
For ninteen... I have friends who have weed :P
For twenty... I love to BLOG :D:D




Yes... Happy :D

But in other news I have 3 appointments with councilors about my (PTSD.. Anxiety... and work situation) Anxiety tomorow.. Work... Friday... PTSD NEXT wednesday.

:) Atleast i'm getting stuff accomplished! If I concider pouring out your heart to complete strangers accomplishing something :)

Fatigue - please let me be!

I'm dead... atleast it feels like it. I can't move really... typing is even a chore. My fatigue has never been this bad :(

I couldn't even make it to coffee with my brother today... and I ache... I feel as if I should just no longer be - because that in essence would be better than feeling how I feel right now.

I can't even explain in words how horrible I feel.

It's almost enough to cry...

I feel horrible... I wish I was anybody but me for just a second... just enough time to catch my breath..... I feel like shit that's been left out in the sun and then hit with a hammer a couple dozen times and then hit by a bus.

I wish I could move without effort.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I couldn't Imagine

Today wasn't good healthwise... but good in every other way possible.

I had an anxiety attack... my knees and arms hurt and my side was hurting a lot. I had to take another ativan... something I didn't want to do.. I'm debating whether an increase in Paxil will help... I guess I should try it since my doctor suggested it BEFORE I go and freak out to my doctor... however if I have 2 more by the end of the week... I'm seeing the doc, because if I don't keep them informed the doc isn't going to be much help... AND I might run out of ativan since they only gave me 10 pills of it.... and I don't want to fight through an anxiety attack.

I've realized that anxiety has really been the biggest common factor in my life that has attributed to my poor health.

But today I got out of the house :) Visited a friend, had coffee, went and visited my bf who is house-sitting for a friend right now for 2 weeks and played poker :)

The whole bf basically moved out to another place thing for 2-weeks isn't my idea of a great thing :( BUT... he does live closer to his work right now... and without a car that's a legitimate reason to live closer... Awwww... but I miss him like crazy! What am I going to do without him?

Tomorow I have so much I should do! All the offices are going to be open... which means I need to start calling again... and I'm expecting calls from people who need to get a hold of me or I've left messages with.

I also hope to finish cleaning the kitchen :D and start a shopping list that includes YEAST... so I can make some bread! Gah! I always forget to pick that up (hence why capital letters were used to alert my sometime stagnant thought process to remember the importance of the word.)


Today was a good day.... ativan saved me.

My friend said she knew crack heads who took ativan to come off their high smoother. Honestly for me it's a life saver... because if I didn't have it today.. I would have had a full-blown attack in the middle of my friend's apartment.

I'm not even sure what set it off.

My stomach has been upset all day... not sure from what... gah... my knees hurt real bad right now... I think i'm going to have a bath before I go to bed to try to get the pain to stop or lessen or whatever...

Twice now I've had friends say "I couldn't imagine living life everyday in pain"... both times I was unsure how to respond.

I really don't know how I feel towards that question... it's not that I don't want to answer truthfully... but in perspective, they are completely right... they CAN'T imagine living everyday with pain... because they've never had to overcome that challenge.

It's not that the pain is overwhelming everyday... you get use to a certain amount of discomfort.. knowing your knee isn't going to stop throbbing but being able to carry out a conversation while it hurts is totally fine as long as you're not doing jumping jacks at the same time.

I can still live life I just have to force myself to cope when things get a little bad (like today I almost passed out playing poker but I pulled myself back... I was in a lot of pain in my side and it was almost too much)

So yeah... I live with pain everday... but not only that I deal with fatigue.. not sleeping restfully... muscle stiffness... muscle twitches... sound sensitivity... light sensitivity and anxiety attacks...

This compounded is what makes everyday for me a challenge... the pain is one thing... but it's only one aspect of the challenges I face.

So when somebody says "I couldn't imagine what it's like to be in pain everyday"

I want to reply "It's a lot like not being in pain everday... just more painful... it's the willing yourself to work through a nightmare with the hope that things might improve that gets me"


Saturday, November 15, 2008

I have a Headache

First headache in a long time... since I was diagnosed anyways... this one isn't too bad but it has the potential to get worst.

My symptoms were really bad today.. lots of pain in my arms... lots of fatigue, but I'm finding breathing is helping... I haven't had an anxiety attack today.

I'm sweating really bad though.. which I think i'll attribute to my headache.

I'm going to bed early.. sometime after we hotbox the car.

I'm really missing my bf, he's house sitting and I didn't see much of him today :( I think I'll make a point to go see him tomorow if he's not working (I don't even know what days he's working! GAH!)

*sigh* NOT a big deal though.. he's probably busy drinking away watching the UFC fight (which I wanted to see but this headache is killing me)

I think it might be the stress of seeing my mom and not seeing much of my bf over the last day... anything that is a change is stress... whether bad or good. I miss my boyfriend = stress. Seeing my mom see me baked = stress. Stressing about my headache = you guessed it! STRESS.




Oh. Shit

Alright... trying to fend of an anxiety attack.. my mom just came to the door and she totally knew I was baked!

It fucking scared the shit out of me at first when I saw her car parked outside the door. But she acted so childish about it that I couldn't actually be upset about it... it was more the initial shock + running up and down the stairs that got my heart racing. She saw me.. handed me the white magnetic boards I'd asked for and then stomped off all indignant - didn't even say a word really... I even started to ask if she wanted to go out for coffee but she said it didn't matter and stomped off.

She smoked weed for years... who is she to judge me?

But still... I hate that that just happened :(

lol I should have invited her in for a bowl :P

If only she was that reasonable :)

So is life



Well... from the end of my last post... until now I've been sleeping. Probably good for me... and I felt rested :D

I've actually been feeling pretty good... although my anxiety problems are still bothering me and occationally I feel pain. But the pain hasn't been that bad... I think I can contribute that to walking everyday... although it's exauhsting.. my fatigue is still bad. And the pain honestly comes and goes through the day... but it's not constant!! :D

So I've discovered lately whenever my heart rate goes up I have an chance for an anxiety attack. (right now I'm more worried about my anxiety than my fibro... since kicking my anxiety in the ass should make my fibro a little better!)

I've been doing breathing exercises when I walk up the stairs so I'm not so out of breath... and my heart rate doesn't rise... since I think my last anxiety attack started when I walked up two flights of stairs.

I wonder why my anxiety is going through the roof... I've always struggled with it... and now that I know what it is (I never attributed my little "episodes" of needing to calm down to anxiety... since I wasn't even fully aware what an anxiety attack was until I told my doctor what happened that day when walking home)

I feel a bit naive... which is true... being oblivious to the fact that I've had anxiety problems since a child may not be my fault since I grew up in such a sheltered enviroment... but that doesn't make me feel THAT much better about it :P

I was told to limit activities to things I enjoy and to take care of myself really well over the next couple of months and my fibro might get better???

Perhaps.. but I'm not going to base my intire view of fibro off of one persons ability to get it into remission for 15 years. I may not be able to do that.. who knows. I'm just going to take it one day at a time... and yes.. I'm going to continue to do chores doctor :P they're a little essential for you to suggest NOT doing them... the guys sure aren't going to do it ALL for me :P


Friday, November 14, 2008

Long Day

It was a long day today. Spent two hours with the councillor *yay* heh... I'm not fond of sessions of that nature.. however they can be useful tools. I'm working on ways that I can bring my heart rate back down when I become anxious.

I've also discovered that I've been having anxiety attacks for years... I took my med (NOT Zyban...) lol and I can't remember the actual name! And it calmed me right down... for the first time in forever I found something that could stop the rushing of thoughts and emotions that come with it.

But I'm really drowsy (side effects) My Councillor believes I could have PTSD... and RLS is most likely the culprit for my sleeping problems. Amitrixiline is pronoun in increasing the vividness of dreams and I should go see a specialist to deal with my PTSD.

Yay... more appointments... more talking about the magicalness of my childhood and relationship with my parents. Councilors are great... but I've learned the best thing you can do is give them all the information... don't make them try and pull it out of you. If you're honest and upfront and actually work with them to help you they're great... if you're resistant it's a lot harder for them to help you and it'll be a lot harder on you - it's their job to sit and listen to how much of a sob-story your life is and offer advice on how to cope.

What interested me the most about the lady I talked to today was that she has fibromyalgia and got it to go into remission for 15 years.... perhaps she can help me :)

It's only 7pm and i'm SO tired... I need a nap.



Thursday, November 13, 2008

A Change in Direction

Since currently I'm moving in a negative direction... that probably isn't going to do me much good. I need to change gears and switch up what I'm doing. I need to take a breath and clear my head.

Things aren't all that bad. Right now I'm in a very good position to start researching on opening my own buisness. I have a friend who is helping go for a walk everyday. I smoke weed. I relax. I have a supportive boyfriend. Things could be a whole lot worst.

I must not just focus on the bad... because if I did... I would surely be miserable. Intead I must try and find joy in the good and hope that I will find some peace in it. It's really easy to be angry... it's really easy to feel down... but it's hard to see that things could be worst... and to live each life as a gift.

Like the Turtle said in Kung Fu Panda.

"You are too concerned with what was and what will be. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present."

Waiting Game

I'm so concerned that I have no way to know what to do at this point. I've done all the calling - talked to everyone I had to and now I'm in a waiting game.

I just want this to all get solved.. I hate waiting.

Today's been good :) went for a walk... relaxed. But it seems like such a pointless day.

Sometimes life is stagnant. But I'll live.

I just need to relax.


So I'm frustrated. Yesterday morning I got a call from my bf's uncle inviting us for dinner last night... but he called when I was sleeping and I had the conversation with him and forgot it until about 6 last night... when I was going through the caller ID and noticed they had called at 4.

... How could I have not remembered talking to him on the phone?

I have to watch this... I didn't realize I had talked to him... I had a similiar experience when some friends tried to wake me up and I talked to them and didn't remember until the morning and when I remembered it... I remembered it faintly... like it was a dream.

I have to be careful... because this could get me into some trouble... if I talk to somebody I actualy NEED to talk to and not remember the convo.

My life likes to take twist after twist. Sometimes I wish I could just get a break.

:) Mmm chocolate down stairs... I should go get it... that'll make me feel better.

Sometimes the little things in life is what makes life worth living... chocolate is one of those little things :)

It's like forbidden fruit... it COULD make me real sick... but it tastes so freaking good!

lol I love food sensitivities that are random when they decided to kick you in the ass.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Maybe in a moment of suffering you get a glance into the true flaws of humanity. The simple flaws stem from that we are not perfect... that we are creatures who have the ability to think of the outcomes of a possible situation and draw conclutions on what will be the most benifitial... and yet still are able to make a choice that could be more detrimental than good.

When one is suffering it can become apparent that one's will is often not strong enough to will oneself to a task. Sometimes you're just not strong enough and you have to take the easy way out.

The easy way out for me is to leave the situation... sit in a dark room away from noise and relax. Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to stick it out to the end of the night.

I feel like little peices of me shatter away day after day.


This kind of thinking is no good. I need to start thinking positive.


It's Upsetting

I upset myself today. My inability to even just sit and have the motor-quardnation to pass a joint... I hurt so bad... It makes me almost want to cry.

I'm trying to see hope but hope seems so distant... I hate what is happening to me... this is so hard to adjust to... adaption seems difficult under the circumstances.

I'm not who I wish to be anymore... I'm somebody I'm trying to drag through the next day, just for that short glimse of sunlight, It's like I have to fight so hard for the things everybody else takes for granted...

Sometimes all i want to do is stop fighting... but here I am losing even to myself.

I feel so aweful... I feel so sad... why has life always been so dificult for me?

Alas... another "Woe is Me" posts... you must tire of the predictability... because trust me... I tire of it as well.

If I could hide away from everything I would...


Disapointment seems my Fate.

I guess, I'm not a strong as I hoped.... I guess I'm sick as I say. Sometimes the mind will make a conclution and the heart is hesitant to follow.

I keep writing in here all the facts and knowledge I'm slowly discovering as days pasts... I hint occationally on what I believe... but in reality I try to follow the logical outcome.

But sometimes... what you hope for.... what deep down you want... that denial... that things are as bad as you keep try trying to convince yourself... becomes apparent.

I'm in a lot of pain right now... a lot of discomfort... sometimes life doesn't seem that jolly.


Manic Depression - more thoughts

I need to go somewhere.. to do something.. to get away from this house and have fun. I need some space to run.. I need to feel the wind... to see trees... to be free.

But i'm too weak.. I can not leave. What I need to be is free from this body which pains me. To be free from myself for even a moment. My arms hurt... I get tired moving from one room to another... this is true agony. The agony of not being able to help yourself when you're suffering... to have to learn to live with pain and exauhstion.

Manic Depression...

Jimi said it well.

I wish I was anybody but myself for just a moment... just for a moment of peace.


Yoga tonight... I didn't go last week. I should make it this week. Damn it though.. I feel like shit.

Sometimes I just wish for relief... but I know there is none in sight yet.

Manic Depression

Manic Depression's touching my soul,
I know what I want,
but I just don't know how to go about getting it.
Music sweet music,
I wish I could caress, caress, caress.
Manic Depression's a frustrating mess.
Well, I think I'll go turn myself off an' go on down.
She stood and blinked twice at the light she was walking towards. The world was dark around her... and the only thing she could see was far in the distance... but for all she knew it was coming from an ocean away.
But she walked towards the light anyways... because the hope of light outweighed her doubt.


So I thought at first I didn't dream last night. For some reason I slept until 1pm today... not a normal occurance.

I actually forgot to take my meds last night. I've been extending so much energy to staying active and walking... that by the end of the day... after a couple tokes and hanging out for a couple hours in the evening my body just wants to shut down and lay in a dark room and sleep.

Although last night I had night sweats like crazy.. I woke up and I was drenched head from toe. And I must have been dreaming vividly... because this morning I've been remembering things that never really happened. I don't think i'll forget my meds again.. I didn't mean to this time.

The only problem with waking up at 1pm is that your day is almost over when your body wants to go to bed at 9.


Toking away :D

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Some Wisps

On a less DEPRESSING note. Let me tell you a story to get us away from all this pain.

This is the story about a little girl named Cindy and a misterious little pixie named Pretz. This isn't a happy story... nor a very sad story... it's just a story :)

Cindy was always a quiet child... it wasn't until the birthday of her second year that she even cried. She was not a simple child as some would assume under the circumstances for she was quick to learn tasks and come to understanding, as she grew up with her adopted family...

The discussion of the happening of Cindy's adoption was never voiced from Cindy's parents for at the age of 10 and at the exact moment of 10 both of Cindy's parents we killed instantly when a man made wave pool went hay-wire at the annual visit to the local theme park.

Cindy was then moved to an old farm that doubled as an ophanage(sp) .

The Orphanage was ill equiped and the children spent most of their days doing chores. There was little fun had... and little Cindy longed for more.

Her wish was granted on a day that she went to try and catch chickens when she stumbled apon a circular ring of piculiar(sp) mushrooms with a tiny figure relaxing on them...

Being currious Cindy shuffled her feet near the mushrooms, hoping that it would make enough noise to disturb and bring life to the motionless creature.

^I know you're there^

Take aback... Cindy jumped...

^It's okay^ the little creature wispered ^don't be afriad^

With a bit more reassurance Cindy smiled and said "nice to meet you"

^Nice to meet you... i've been waiting a long time^


Now lay back and imagine this story in your head... it can go anywhere. Just make it up...

I do these kind of things when I can't sleep to keep my thoughts less focused on things that can stress me... I figure if sitting here writing... and sitting and watching TV keeps my mind from racing... why can't telling a story in your head... It's to keep me focused so I can sleep.


I'm tired.



Sometimes... sometimes you look past the annylitcal and you realize reality.,, you're scared. It's okay I guess... to realize that under it all you're still holding your breath for every breath you can take. You've been fighting a long time and sometimes you just have to stop and realize that you're still just a kid in this grown up world of bills and deadlines... that sometims you lack knowledge... or understanding... and take a moment just for yourself to take a deep breath to tell yourself it's going to be okay... that life will let up some time and you'll get a moment to relax without any cares.

But not yet... and probably not tomorow or the next... so you still have to bite your lip and keep trudging along. Lifes not all that bad :) It could be worse - it's been worse is what you keep saying but the totallity of it all is what takes its tole.

Sometimes you just have to keep wishing for a rest.

Sometimes you can't keep just riding on thoughts... on whisps of dreams of hope and you have to face reality.

And that's life.



Everything... everything gets in the way of a lot of things. Everything is always everywhere...

:) to bad everything makes my life more difficult.

Haha eh... so is life.

My cat is laying on the couch next to me... she's pretty cute. Honestly my favourite cat ever :)

I had an awesome day today... not too much pain. Not too much fatigue... I walked most of the day which is great because walking should help with my symptoms.

I really don't have much to write... I'm tired now that the day is coming to an end (at 6:30 I know) but I'm tired... and my brain doesn't want to work :(

I'll write later.


Trek = Good

My trek to the hospital was good. Although I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and perscribed Zyban for when things get really bad. The hospital is one of the worst places for my anxiety (the lights... sounds and such bother me a lot there)... my pulse was even high when the doctor took it.

But yesterday was fun... we walked around waiting for my perscription (40 minutes and they were closed the next day... so I HAD to wait)

Me and my friend flagged down somebody we knew who would have weed... toked while waiting for the hospital and then toked on the walk home. I find it really calms my nerves and helps me relax in stressful situations.

So my doctor told me that the zyban is addictive and that I should be carefull... I'm not THAT worried about it... but it's a good thing to know. Supposidly it'll help if I ever get stuck in fight or flight mode again.

For sure today I'm making brownies. My bf has work at 1:30 at his new job (I'm so happy for him) it'll be a good job. He's going to be working for the sea-plane base.

I'm really tired today... my arms and legs feel really fatigued... yesterday took a lot out of me.. and I can feel it today.

But sometimes you have to suffer later for a good time now. I had fun yesterday - I got out of the house with a friend - something I haven't been able to do in awhile.

So today I get to miserable :P yay for highs and lows.


Monday, November 10, 2008

A Trek

So my friend called me and said she needed to make a trip to the hospital and asked if I'd like to go with her (how nice... since I also have to make the walk... to talk about my anxiety).

The last time I made that walk I had that episode where I was scared of everything and everything was making me feel horrible. I'm hoping that it won't happen again... I'm thinking I won't since I'll be with somebody to talk to... so I might not react the same. Plus I'm trying to stay calm.. and avoid stress since that happened. But even the other day the electric kettle was giving me a hard time.

I'm also noticing that my sensitivity to sound has gone way up... and now I get annoyed at little things that nobody else is hearing. I think I also mention ealier that my ears have been ringing a lot (fibro fog... can't remember what I've written in other posts) and my memory has gotten WAY worst... I'll be looking for something in the cupboard and totally forget what I'm doing... I'm wondering if my symptoms are getting worst... or if over time they'll revert to before all this started... so sound isn't such a big deal for me.

I'm even getting agitated even when loud music is going.. it's okay as long as it doesn't have any base... base seems to set me off the most.

But i'm so happy I have somebody to walk with! I'm going to avoid talking about me being sick.. unless she brings it up. I find that's all I've been talking about lately.. and I need to be able to focus elsewhere to limit stress.

*sigh* I'm far to analitical... and I think at times it is to my disadvantage. If you have to rationalize and find a reason or solution to every problem that you face... you are giving a lot of energy to those problems... energy that could be used towards other things. Not that I'm saying I need to not plan and put energy towards the things I face... but I need to find a healthy balance.

Haha and here I am analizing how I'm analitical..

So is life :)



Not at all what I expected. I'm done all my calling and am waiting for 2 calls back.

I should probably go to the doctor today and discuss my episode... it scared me really bad and I don't want to end up in that situation again.

Now I'm working on a buisness proposal. I figure since I may not be able to go back to work on at the bank (depending how I recover) I should plan an alternative means of employment.

What I'm proposing is a video game store/youth center... or something to that extent. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to present the idea... but I'm sure I'm going to make it sound the best it can be.

:) I'm enjoying doing this right now :)

Phone Call Day

Ugh... I hate talking on the phone... but I have 4 or 5 people I need to call... who will probably suggest I talk to another person and another and another.

This is crazy really... I'm not sure who to start with... so I'm going to make a list...

Councilor - she'd be able to give me suggestions on what I should do about my light and sound sensitivities and how that relates to my anxiety level.
Buisness - A buisness I ordered something from double charged my credit card :(
Blue Cross - "ugh" talk to the head lady about my claim
Disability - call the people who usually talk on my behalf for Blue Cross
Hospital - I should call the hospital/visit the hospital today about my episode the other day to see if they can give me some meds so it doesn't happen again. *could the Paxil I'm taking be causing increased anxiety?*

*sigh* yeah... I have a lot to do today. I'm still planning on baking brownies and I'm going to take breaks between each call to take notes on what they had to say AND try and make a play list with calming music... change it up a bit so I'm not obsessing over one thing... I hope this plan will help me stay less stressed.

So here it goes... wish me luck... I hope this doesn't cause me stress - I'm pretty calm about it right now :)

Sunday, November 9, 2008


I'm tired... real tired... the kind of tired that makes you want to curl up and do nothing but sleep but I can't sleep and I can't get untired.

This is rough right now... I was feeling so good today... but after doing two loads of laundry it killed me... and I don't feel good at all.

But I'm trying to stay away from the negative... positive... positive.. :)

Tomorow I have a lot to do.. LOTS of phone calls and LOTS of explaining. I'm going to try and relax as much as I can... and I need to find something to do for recreation... because I'm scared I'm going to become fixated on whats wrong with me and not be able to relax :(

So like I said earlier I'm going to start baking... Tomorow (between phonecalls) I'm going to bake brownies... I'm going to freeze some of them for later... but I need ziplock bags! Gah.. and garbage bags... and febreeze (The guy's work clothes always stink).... GARBAGE CANS... Oigh! I need lots of things... a muffin pan!!! lol I'm going to have to talk somebody with a car into letting me go shopping with them... shopping is the hardest chore I have... hehe my friend S* should take me... I bet she would if I asked.

My ears have been ringing really badly lately... and I've been "resting" not napping lately... I just lay in the dark and do nothing... it's refreshing... I'm thinking of putting together a CD of relaxing music that I can listen to as I lay there.... plus that'll buffer noise from the rest of the house.

I'm going to also do research on what I can replace the bulbs in the house with... I'm looking for something that simulates natural light... since I find that kind of light the most my favourite.... I'm wondering if that will make any difference... but it doesn't hurt to try.

I also want to put another peice of counter in my kitchen... on the other side of my oven... that way I can have more room for what I'm doing to make it easier to prepare meals.

I'm really looking for little easy things that I can change in my day to day life that will improve things for me.

Sometimes i'm scared I'll never recover... so while I can I should make things easier for myself.

No reason you goals can't be motivated by the worst and best case senario.

GAh... ears ringing right now :( not feeling so great... i'm really tired.

I'm going to go lay down :(


So I've dedicated this whole weekend to relaxing... walking and doing easy chores to keep me motivated... and right now I feel really good. Honestly I slept last night in the first time in forever without dreaming vividly. I have slowly move the way up to 40mgs of Armitriptyline every night... along with one gabapentin and a paxil... I think this might actually work. I felt WAY better this morning after sleeping restfully... perhaps it was because I was relaxed all day yesterday that I slept though... Either way I feel awesome today besides fatigue of my limbs which is the best things have been in a long time.

I am however becoming more sensitive to sound as time progresses... today I though the electric kettle was broken because of the awefull sound it was making and i felt the kettle and it was hot (or atleast I thought so until I poured it into a cup)... my roommate said that it was the dishwasher that I must have been hearing... but the sound quit when I turned of the kettle.

Who knows.

I've also had reaction to the light in the bathroom if I'm stressed out. I find if I remember to turn out the light if I'm feeling tense it helps.

This is getting crazier and crazier for me... and I'm not sure how to wrap my mind around it yet.

but happy thoughts!

I'm feeling awesome today!!! And I slep lastnight!! Hurrah!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

My Life Finally Makes Sense

It's like after I got diagnosed everything that I had/was going through suddenly became so clear... and as soon as I found out I am sensitive to both light and sound I finally had the last peice of the puzzle.

My life finally makes sense... all those times I'd get sick when away from home - my bodies freakish ability to physicaly and emotionally be effected by light and sound when I'm stressed. The locked in "fight or flight" I experience once being overly stimulated... making you want to run away from the situation even when it's just a community picnic. The fact that I never want to go out anywhere... all of this has to do with my inability to process stimuli efficiently... and now that I know that.. I can take that into account. It's such a relief to finally understand what it going on.

If I had gone to the doctor before I was 18 this might have been diagnosed sooner.. I have had to consult a doctor many times when my health became a barrier to accomplish day to day life since I moved out... and finally things make sense.

I'm not crazy! I'm just wired wrong :) Yay!


Light and Sound = Weirdest thing Yet

Yesterday I went to the doctor even though I was far to exauhsted to make the trip. My BF gave me 10 dollars... but as the taxi was honking it's horn I couldn't find it anywhere (Yay for Fibro-fog) so I had to raid the change and grabbed 6 dollars. Which was great because the taxi charged me 5.50 for a 10 minute drive.

So then I got to the hospital and as I got out of the taxi.. my co-worker who was diagnosed with fibro at 13 is getting out of her car with her mother and her mother calls over to me:

"Is it Fibromyalgia day or something?"

I laughed and went and sat in the hospital with them. My co-worker had had a head-ache for 3 days and needed to see the doctor.. I needed to see the doctor because my job required me to get a note saying I'll be off work because I'm sick.

By then I was sensitive to everything and i knew I shouldn't have left my house... the lights in the hospital made me anxious... the sounds made me litterally want to run in every direction away from it at once and I was sweating from every pore in my body.

The weird thing about this is even though I knew that I was just having a reaction to sound and light - I couldn't help myself... and I still felt anxious and made me feel like I needed to escape.

By the time I saw the doctor the lights where getting so bad that I had to sheild my eyes. I had a hard time communicating what was going on with my doctor.. because I was starting to get confused... she understood what was going on and after chatting to her about the reasons why I couldn't work she promptly wrote up a note that said I would be away from work for atleast 2 weeks if not more because my symptoms were getting worst.

That was great because that's exactly what I needed.. and I started my walk home (I didn't have money to call a taxi).

On the way home... everysingle car that passed me made me want to scream... I could feel my body quake and as the sounds got closer the feeling got worse. I was swearing around as I was sure a car was coming because I had the feeling like I was some how very unsafe... and as I turned around to see how far it was I realized that I wasn't hearing a car I was hearing a bicycle and the man was only a foot behind me.

I got to my place of employment and my manager came and asked if I was okay. I told her I wasn't and that the cars and lights were making me sick (without even thinking the ramifications... I sounded like I was high out of my mind on something) and she took my note and told me everything was going to be okay.

The rest of the walk home wasn't much better... the sound of my own feet made me want to run away and the airplanes made me want to hide.

I was emotionaly and physically scared... but mentally I knew what was going on... it was like I was stuck on "fight or flight" and I couldn't get out... it was like everything was making me over stimulated.

My doctor said that I just need rest and to avoid stress... but its hard to avoid stress and rest when I get phone calls from people every half hour wanting information or me to do things to aquire information from doctors for disability.. and I have to spend hours on the phone trying to fix this mess I'm in relation to my employment - or unemployment rather (lol).

I'm so glad offices close on weekends :)


Friday, November 7, 2008

I've been thinking

She stood there dumbfounded a feeling like nothing in the world made sense... her ears rang and the light made her body quake... the sound of the couch she was on made her want to arch her back and the light from the other computers made her out of breathe... all she could think about was why was the light yellow... using her strength she looked towards the white light switch and began to move toward it .... her mouth was dry and she coughed as she moved from one seat to the next... the colours of the couch disgusted her as she glance at the chair next to the light... her whole body cried out in agonly as she looked at the light from the chair... the couch had used must of her strength and now she musters the strength to lift her arms.... peace... the light is so much better from just the light comming through the window.... the laptop over on the other couch still made her sad... not sad but almost hopeless... she grabs a moment and tries to compose herself... counting backwards... from 100... she starts to breathe in and out from her nose nose out her mouth.... and she grabbed a bit of sanity... enough to make it out of the room.

Haha maybe this is just me thinking out and I mean OUT of the box :P haha I'm so messed up right now it's like an ache through my whole body and my leg keep wanting to move... haha I feel like I have no energy and lots.... but just in different parts of my body... I feel like I'm going to explode outside of myself....

This is weird... I don't like how this is making me feel :(

Morning Time

Morning time and I feel miserable. Yesterday (and the day before) were very stressful and i can feel my body finally catching up... I'm stiff, I ache, and I feel discomfortable no matter how I sit or lay.. or walk or anything.

I thought for a bit that I had stopped dreaming last night (I dream every night) but as I started to collect my thoughts while trying to find a comfortable position to lie in I realized I did dream... and that once again the things I had dreamed about were things that could have happened but distorted in some way.

For example I had a dream that my bf bought a new RED cell-phone that was exactly like his Blue one. When I woke up I honestly had to think whether that had actually happened, and I realized my dream mimiced real memories I had but changed slightly. I knew a guy who had bought a red cell phone about a year ago... and I think that also somehow relates to this.

Same with my dream last night. I dreamt about my cat, but in my dream my cat looked the same but was different colours... white and black spotted body and a calico head... my cat is just calico not spotted. To think of it I knew a dog when I was younger whe had a brindle head and a spotted body.

Maybe colour is an ongoing theme... or maybe when I'm dreaming it's mixing everything up.

It really makes my head hurt in the morning lol... but usually after 15 minutes I can figure out what I dreamt about and what actually happened.

I wonder if this could be a side effect of the medication I'm taking.

I'm going for a coffee with my brother - I need to go out and walk... my whole body seems to want to jump out of itself... I feel so uncomfy :(

Hehe... atleast sleeping isn't boring for me :P


Thursday, November 6, 2008


So I'm thinking that i'm going to start making a list of things that I'm going to start baking... concidering I need a lot of rest when I'm doing activites... I thought a simple solution would be the best when it comes to food.

I'm starting with Jiff... concidering I want to cut out my dairy intake... I thought picking something that I enjoyed that was non-dairy and run with that for my first attempt to sub out milk products in the recepies for it.

And I love peanut butter!

I'm going to try and bake one major thing a week... and with that freeze goods when I make it so it's easy to eat... and if I have food that I'm supposed to eat already made... it would make it a lot easier to me to stick to this plan :P 'Cause when you're drunk the quality of the company you keep drops... and when you're baked the quality of the food you eat drops :P


A Quick List of Things I Can't Forget

Right now I'm organizing a giant clean up of the house... I'm taking a quick break from cleaning to write some things I need to review later.

PLANNING is essential over the next couple of days as I tackle the question of household chores.

Needed: Lot's of White bored to write reminders on (ie: if you take a plate out of the cupboard you are responsible for making sure it makes it in to the dishwasher) Garbage Cans.

I don't really know how to start this plan in motion but what I'm forseeing is the house getting cleaned... and then once cleaned we maintain that level of cleanlyness... Even if I have to post reminders... YES we are ALL stoners... therefore we do STUPID things... so we must create a system that works even in that light.



A Good Talk

So I gave in and called the councilor that my employer suggested to help me understand what's going on and honestly she was great.

She basically said.. plan but don't stress, what happens happens, and that I need to be taking care of MYSELF over everything else in this situation... over the chores that need to be done, my job, dealing with doctors and dealing with the people around me.

She's comming up here to have a session with me. I think it might be a useful tool.. honestly I'm open to anything that will make any kind of improvement.

My arm hurts right now so I'm going to stop typing (It's been a long day already and it's only 3!) lol it's been yet another crazy day.

I'm going to take a bath and relax... I think that will do me a world of good.


Somebody to Talk to

Sometimes you just need somebody to talk to.. not necesarilly when things are going their worst.. but someone to bounce ideas off of... to get feedback from about your ideas and perspectives on life and what is happening in it.

Today I found a friend who geniunly is looking for somebody to talk to as much as I need somebody to bounce ideas off of.

She told me today that I'm crazy. A 20 year old in a 16 year old body with wisdom of a 40 year old was her quote exactly... that I was "wise" beyond my years.

Reading this once written down it is a very bold statement - I must say it was a compliment I wasn't sure how to take.

I haven't gotten many of my notes done and I still have so much to do.

Thankfully its only 1:30.


Not Working Again

Well I'm back to NOT working... I think I'm going to shoot for taking 6 months off... I figure if I shoot to far maybe I'll atleast get the 3 that I think I need to get my life back together.

I talked to my manager and explained (to my best ability without crying my eyes out) how messed up things are for me.

She totally undertood as she has also had to go through disability and paper trails last summer after she was hit by a car. So she gave me some suggestions on what I can do to get this all sorted out.

I'm going to be taking with the councilor that my job provides just sort out what I'm going to do to tackle this problem. It's not that I need somebody to listen to me... it's just I don't have any idea what the fuck I'm doing to get this all sorted out.. and so I need somebody to help organize my notes on everything.

And I've been taking notes. I'm trying to get this all sorted out today... and although things don't look good right now I figure with the proper planning and tatics I should be able to get through this okay.

This isn't about my abilty to cope with my illness anymore... this is about letting the people around me understand me so I CAN deal with illness.

Honestly this world is full of spoon eaters.

I'm working on shit... so I'll post again once I do some phone calling and some research.

lol sorry readers! This is the place that I use to organize my thoughts (or i'd be lost since I can't seem to remember what I'm talking about without reading it over a couple of times).

I'm working on this...

Work, work, work :P Even when you can't haha

**so is life


Things are looking up :D


I really didn't think today could get quite a bit worst than yesterday all in the beginning of the first hour that I was awake... but seriously it did... and it did fast.

Me and my boyfriend had a huge fight this morning... basically he said he's tired of living with 3 roommates that don't clean.. and that he was mad that there hasn't been dinner home for when he gets home from work in a really long time.

I told him that yesterday I was in the hospital all day talking to a doctor that didn't give a shit about what I was feeling or what my opinions were and that I had actually just got home when he had... and so I didn't get everything I wanted done done yesterday.

I feel so useless right now... I've been trying my best and everything is just not working out the way it should.

What am I suppose to do...

I'm too sick to deal with this :(

I think I might talk to my other two roommates about what we can do to make this work.

I didn't mean to not keep the house clean :( it's hard sometimes.

Me and my boyfriend will get over it.. but right now I really don't feel that great about the whole situation.

*really sad right now*


On the SHITTY-O-METER today rated a solid 14 out of 10.

Now.. not to say that certain aspects of my day were not enjoyable, but as I'm sitting here and it's 7 to 12 I'm thinking of all the things I didn't accomplish today that I needed to do.

My BF's Resume
Going to Yoga

I actually got stuck at the hospital most of the day... my grandma called me and said that she was making a trip to see the doctor.. and since my symptoms were so bad last night I decided to go see the doctor today.

I was so mad that when I got home I wrote a very angry thread (I copied it to this blog so I could review it) about it on a support forum I have frequented recently during the last month lol - when I think of this a little removed from how angry I felt I find it quite intersting that I would chose an anomynous support group to babble to - but it ended up being a useful tool... because as I angrly typed exactly what I wanted to say to the doctor I came to a couple conclutions which I believe I could use to help my current employment problem.

But I'm only guessing... everything is always just an idea - it's only when things are tangable that they become reality... and only with a lot of effort at that.

Me and my boyfriend got in an arguement today.... that coupled with my bad day at the doctors is making it difficult for me to sleep :( We won't be mad at eachother in the morning (it was a stupid fight over nothing except that we were both rather agitated by something or other).. but emotions went high and I got upset and now sinuses hurt (I'm not sure if it's the fibro or just a head cold... or my sinuses filling up from crying) it's an odd dull aching feeling in the whole front part of my head and behind me eyes and it's REALLY annoying... enough to not be able to sleep with anyways.

I also had coffee today with my brother and we debated the social context of both written and spoken english and how it relates to our understanding of the world around us.

It was a good conversation. I might write about it one day we discussed some very interesting points.

Alas... I should retire to somewhere quite and peacefull and curl up with computer until I sleep.

It's not that I desire to spend my nights writing over sleeping... it is just how things work sometimes :( sometimes things that should be happening cannot happen.

**I must keep my sleeping habits NORMAL... a day or two like this a month = okay. But I need to get my sleep in order - and I'm slightly concerned that it would be all too easy to mess up my sleeping habits and become a night owl. So I must adhear to a schedual it's more balanced.

But overall today was worst than good although they were extreme on both sides... my life feels like it's going faster than I am... and I'm loosing track of what's going on.

One more joint to go for the night and then I shall retire (hopefully!)


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Thread I posted in Healing Well

So I'm looking into getting a different doctor than I currently have. I went to see him today about the extreme pain I have in my knees and express to him that i believe they are bothering me so bad because I worked yesterday. Now I didn't go in there with the intention of getting work off tomorow (although I would have loved it) what I was looking for was some solution to the problem of me being too exauhsted/in pain after work to carry on with the rest of my day and the fact that I don't think it's healthy (in a holistic view because according to my doctor "my pain isn't caused by any real cause" so I should pretty much work through it) for a 20 year old to have to second guess whether she's going to walk up a flight of stairs or not to get to her bedroom.

Basically his answer was i'm too young not to work and that I need to tough this out - all I really am looking for is a chance to recover and be the best situation I can to go back to work and being succesfull in continuing employment.

Right now I feel almost like quiting my job. However... I know that I can't do that because I'll lose my health benifits... is there anything I can do... I don't want to live my life for work I want to work to live my life... working shouldn't make your quality of life lower it should only be used to increase the quality of life. That in reality is the balance that one should concider on the terms of working. You have to ask youself "If I was totally healthy living under these circumstances would I be able to tollerate it, or would I choose to quit and search for another option of employment that would make my life easier... if I had the ability to leave and still support my standard of living by other means would I." At this moment I am asking myself that... do I really have to wait until I get really sick before anybody will take me seriosly?

*cough* I'm intending of adapting this as a letter to the local hospital and also give this letter to the CEO of the company I work for, and email it to all my co-workers and manager... (I may scale back those efforts depending on how succesful they seem when I'm not baked out of my head)

If the mods take this part about weed I understand the legal gramifications on their part. But I must say I am smoke weed everyday and am baked out of my mind right now, and I have come to one of the biggest realizations of my life right now :P lol

My blog is if anybody is interested in reading what I have to say further on the subject... it's telling the story of my life with Fibro from "almost" the first day it started :P I'm just intersted on feedback and suggestions - I really want to be able to fight this... but I need people to help... and people who understand.

Thanks for listening.


Wow... It's Been a Month?

lol I know i just posted! But I just realized that it's been over a month since I first got my diagnosis and I was thinking about how far i've come in that short period of time.

For one... I'm a whole lot more educated on my situation.. I understand whats going on a whole lot better than when I first read through the hand out my doctor gave me outlining the basic symptoms. I now know this isn't a disease of symptoms... it's a disease more of triggers... different things make your symptoms worst.. and so to avoid certian activities is to give yourself more room to recover because full recovery isn't a possiblity.. just increasing the quality of life... recovering the little bits that I can.. by avoiding things that can make it worst is the only solution to the problem.

Whether that make sense or not... now that I've written it I don't know... I know I understand it... but sometimes its hard to put words to a revelation, because words (written or spoken) are tools to communicate and using those tools efficiently is often a difficult task.

But on Happy Thoughts.

I get to see my brother in a half hour for coffee... pretty much the highlight of this day so far :)

Stuff I Should but Probably Can't do Today (But Probably will Do Anyways)

Everything is "probable" not everything is "practical" reality often gets in the way of most of our dreams... but for me reality gets in of the way of most of my life.

I'm suppose to go for coffee with my brother today (AND yes.. I made sure he was ACTUALLY going to be at school before deciding to walk and look for him) the only problem right now is that I'm not sure that I can walk.

No literally I don't think that I could succesfully make it down the stairs without some seriose pain - if this doesn't get better by the afternoon I'm going to get a ride to the hospital. I could always tough it out - but toughing it out means there is no records of it in the doctors office which = BAD for me if I end up not being able to work. (Right now if I was Religious I'd be praising the holy heavens that I don't have to work today... I hurt.. and I hurt bad)

I had a friend ask me about me being sick. I was honest with him. I told him I have a chronic pain disorder and that I'm going to have it for the rest of my life... that yes (as he was snooping around in my notes on Fibro) I have to rest whenever I climb stairs... long walks suck ass and I'm in pain pretty much from when I wake up to when I go to bed.

I didn't discuss with him the fatigue part of fibro... I'm thinking to avoid confusion (and the impression that I'm lazy) I'm going to avoid mentioning my fatigue symptoms and liken them to pain... because both pain and fatigue can prevent you from doing something and pain is better recognized to the general public.

It's a bit underhanded... but I fear that people won't understand when I say "I'm Exauhsted" they don't understand what exauhstion is... or if they do they only know what it is from a lot of hard work - It just doesn't take me much hard work to get to that point... but everybody understands pain.

I'm suppose to write up a resume for my boyfriend today (he wants to apply at the seabase as the luggage guy... you get to drive a quad all day). Not a big deal I just couldn't do it last night (I likened my pain in my knees to the worst headache I've ever had then adding the feeling that sombody is scraping the back of your knee cap with hot needles.. more like poking it through to the otherside) last night I was a mess.. tried to go bed to bed.. failed... tried to sleep again failed... it wasn't until after 1pm that I finally was asleep for the first time... I slept okay though... only got up around four times! - I'm not tired today... I just hurt.

It's Garbage day today... and I'm going to ask my roommates to help me with that.. I don't think I could manage it today :( I'm going to clean up most of the garbage I just don't think I can carry it to the curb.

I just want the pain to stop - but pain can't stop your life... you still have to live.

Alas... a life living with pain.

*HappyThoughts*** (I need them!)

PS... if anybody ever reads this blog.. I hope you can grasp even the faintest feeling of what I go through everday... not so I can feel understood but so you don't take your life for granted... because a life without pain and physical barriers is a valuable thing.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

First Day Back to Work

First off I'd like to thank my symptoms for being brilliantly (or atleast mostly) absent. However I would like to also address that that was the longest 4 hours of my life and if I know fibro the way I think I know fibro... tomorow is not going to be a grand day - luckily I don't have to work again till Thursday :D in 4 weeks I'll be full time though back to my position as commercial teller.
My memory fucking blows though! I remembered everything about my job except I couldn't remember for the life of me what I switched my desktop password to this morning. Oh I remembered what my password was 3 months ago... but ask me something that happened this morning I'm hopeless.

lol that was my only major mistake overall I did pretty good :D It's just how I remember it - but with now 3 diffferent co-workers that I haven't really gotten the chance to acutally get to know. I'm glad they gave me tomorow off (I'm working reduced hours to see how my body takes it) I have yoga tomorow - something I really don't want to miss :)

Pretty much I just need to rest... relax, and save my spoons for tomorow... i think i might have even borrowed some.

Ugh! I feel Awful.

This seems like an ongoing theme to my blogs... me feeling awful and feeling the need to write about it.

Well this is another post quite like the others which will probably follow it.

I feel anti-good and am wishing I didn't have to go to work. I'm scared I'm going to feel even worst once I have to walk from point A to point B FIVE MILLION TIMES!.... alright... capitalization is not something I like to get in a habit of using... :P but five million? its an exaggeration and I felt the need to explain that... Its more like 50 times BUT to mle... that's pretty much five million.

God I should stop writing... I'm not even making sense anymore.

:P Don't judge me cause I'm random!


Monday, November 3, 2008


Right now... my fatigue level is through the roof.. I just walked from one room to my bedroom and got ready for bed... I'm now barely able to type. It's not even 8pm yet :( I better feel better in the morning.

Fatigue is by far one of the hardest things for me to wrap my brain around. I get the whole "you're going to hurt for the rest of your life" bit... but the "you're going to have pretty much no energy to do anything no matter how small or mundane they may be: you're going to suffer for doing it" THATS the part I can't understand... that's the part that seriously sucks the most out of all of it.

I really should go to bed... but I feel so lame going to bed at 8!!!

But it was daylight savings time.. so it's forgiven :P

Short post I know... but like I said... I'm tired :P

hehe later!


Work Tomorow - among other insecurities of late

So I have work tomorow and right now I'm having serious doubts on the probability of it going well. I'm exauhsted right now... every bit of me. I spent the whole morning in the hospital trying to see a doctor about starting work - just to list some of the things I was worried about and to have a dialoug with the doctor incase tomorow I end up back there. I also took my iron test :P I'll know in two weeks whether I just have an iron dificiency or actually RLS.

Honestly I'm almost sure I have RLS... *sigh* one more thing to add to life :P

I couldn't go grocery shopping today and so everybody went for me. I feel really dumb right now - but I know that I don't have the energy to go shopping right now. If everybody would just let me do things on my own time instead of getting frustrated and just doing it for me I would eventually get it done. Its not that I CAN'T do things.. its just that I can't ALWAYS do them.. .and sometimes things come up and I have to change plans - the morning was far too long for me to spend the afternoon shopping.

*sigh* atleast its one less thing I have to do :P

Honestly I'm not feeling very good at all... I think overall I've been rather miserable. It almost feels like i'm suffering from anxiety (but two days of it?) I've had anxiety attacks before - they seem to show up randomly and usually depends on my fatigue level (and if I'm suffering from what feels like sensory overload.) I'm really fidgity and my patience level is really low. It feels like I want to scream at everything at once. So right now I'm chilling - listening to good music and trying to relax.

Fuck though this sucks - for once I wish I could just FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE - with the regular stuff... a stubbed toe hurts for 3 mintues... not what feels like days - Where cold is just cold - not something that will make the rest of your day hell. Where I can walk for 15 minutes and not ruin the rest of my day!

I feel like there is so much I could do - but there reality is there is so much I can't

Feelings follow after reality - but our sense of reality is often diluted by the emotions we're suppose to keep in check.

I'm just so uncomfortable everything seems to make me agitated.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


So I'm going back to work on Tuesday and I'm really not sure how well my body is going to like it.

That's a problem really... what if things go horribly wrong?

But I'm trying to look at the positives. What if I CAN go back to work? What if it actually helps :D

So I've also been thinking now that I've stopped taking Gabapentin for a couple of days (YES I weaned myself off of it :P) that it really made some of my symptoms a lot of better but a lot of them a whole lot worst.

For one... the fatigue was horrible when I was taking Gabapentin and my sensed pain differently. Now... my pain isn't as spread out... but the things that DO hurt... hurt a real lot.

Which makes me think of one of the articles that I read about fibro that it actually makes you feel things that normally wouldn't be pain as pain... muscle twiches... muscle strains that the average person wouldn't feel.

I've also noticed that my enviroment makes my symptoms different more when i'm not on Gabapentin... but the dreams that I was hoping would start going away while on it has gotten a whole lot worst. I'm having dreams of people that make no sense at all... and I'm still having problems with remebering things from dreams which I could of sworn really happened *nobody has noticed yet*

I've also been under a whole lot more stress though :( With this whole back to work/mess up with disability. It really sucks :( I've been able to limit most of the stress in my life and the most stressfull thing I have to deal with is the people who are suppose to help :P lol seems like the story of my life /:

I'm toking right now... relaxing *sigh* tomorow is going to be a busy day... I got a bunch of chores done today already :D but now I'm tired.

I've also notice a significant drop in my mood :(



Friday, October 31, 2008

It's Haloween - *sigh*

So yeah, I'm going back to work... not much I can do about it :(

I've decided to do my best - if this actually works and I can get my job back I'd be absolutly thrilled. But I've also decided that I'm not going to lie to myself either: If I can't do it, I CAN'T do it - doesn't mean "push harder" *maybe for the first day but you know what I mean :p* - because "pushing harder" means falling farther in debt... and I can't fall any farther I've been trying to get out of the pit I'm stuck in for a long time now and I'm not going to push myself farther and sicker.

*sigh* it's halloween. I wanted to go out SO bad...

And now I'm sitting here - smoking weed and eating way too much candy whining on the internet :(


I am going to Die

Yes, yes, yes, we WILL all die one day - but what I mean is that my life as I know it is going to come to a very sudden end.

My doctor has gone to India and she wrote a back to work schedual that she didn't discuss with me... and so disability has cut me off of my benifts and I have to go back to work and the earliest date that I can see a doctor at is on the 1st of December (with a different doctor since my regular doc isn't back until January).

Pretty much I'm NOT ready to go back to work.

Pretty much I HAVE to go back to work.

Pretty much that's going to kill me.

So pretty much I'm going to die.

I'm back to work on Tuesday.

Fuck the world.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Yoga today!

I'm excited actually - I did a bunch of cleaning today *been feeling awesome* and now I'm resting for a bit - I want to make sure I have enough energy to make it through yoga :D

It's really such a good day - to think that I can have days like this that are so much better than what I have been dealing with makes me think that there might be some hope of living a semi-normal life.

Things that I think contributed to my good day:

I got a lot of exercise! - we went driving through the trails and there were a lot of getting out and watching as the guys towed the truck (with no starter) with the little Honda Civic (the car I might get to drive!!) and a lot of sitting (in the car!)

I had a genuinly good day - no stress, no hassle juts a lot of fun :D

I went to bed - and slept semi well.

I think it's important to keep track of the things that I think improves my symptoms.



Monday, October 27, 2008


Once and awhile somebody will do something for you that is so appreciated that they will never understand the depth of it.

i had a friend come over and she cleaned the intire game room! She even cleaned the gross orange slime from under the chair that nobody would even touch.

It's not that I don't clean because I think it's gross or something appealing to do - I use to actually enjoy cleaning when I had the house to myself - but now with my lower energy levels I have a hard time keeping up with the oncoming mess that builds up day after day to even start on the old messes - and after I leave for 4 days and come home to a messy house I am NOT motivated to clean it.

But I had a friendly farie come and rescue me <3

I'm so happy


Day ??

Hmm so yesterday was a record low on the "I think I'll survive this meter"

Today my goals are to learn how to steal spoons (and make spoons for that matter!) AND visit my little brother and have a coffee with him.

That's it... besides the obviouse housework I try to stay semi - ontop of...

My bf is working his 8th day straight now - I think it's great that he has something to get out of the house to do :) - although I do miss his company :(

Now I just need to figure this out enough so I can leave the house :P - I'm at level ONE for fucksakes... I need more experience before I fight the mini boss! Sometimes things just take time :P

Sunday, October 26, 2008

A New Day

I'm fighting through a lot of pain to write this... my whole body aches - I am in complete agony - my bones feel bruised... my muscles torn with wear... the computer screen makes me nautous.. and my concentration is not all there... I cannot move without great pain and so I sit and write.

What am I... what am I but nothing... I am frail and weak... and I don't know how to fight this... I scared I'll lose the fight...

Somebody help?? No one can help :( No one seems to understand.

I'm so young - I have a whole life to live - a whole life that is nothing now - How I can I fight something that defeats you the more effort you throw at it? I try and sit and wait... I try to give myself time to heal... but I feel useless... and powerless to this force.

I feel like a burden to those around me... I try my best to do as much as I can but it's hard... who knew stairs would be my arch nemisis.... how I hate walking up and down them :(

This hurts me in so many ways... socially - I can't go out AND I can drink! - I get too tired and I need to rest at every stop - all I can do is stay at home and go to bed at a rediculously early hour... what 20 year old has to do that???

Honestly not working is really really hard - everybody else works! - I sit at home and try and clean the best I can and I don't even have the energy for that most of the time :(

It's hard to admit that I'm having memory problems *haha - not because of weed* because my body has to process pain ALL the time and my nervious system is on overload I have a hard time processing information. I'll walk into a room for something and totally forget what it was by the time I get there - It's not a good feeling having to stop for a second to think about what you walked from the living room to the kitchen for.

Sometimes you just have to say fuck my life...

honestly this is one of those times.

**fuck my life*

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Way Way Way WAY too long :(

It's been way too long since I've graced my Blog...

I'm sorry :( It's been a long week and I've been SO busy!

The wedding... visiting my sister and parents... my bf's family thanksgiving (a week late I know... but some of the family couldn't make it last week)

Plus my internet has been down :( NOT happy about that one.

I have a doctors appointment on the 23rd... I just want to touch base with the doctor and discuss some of the symptoms I'm experienciing... I'm still not sleeping (specially when my roommate brings a girl home and bangs her until 4:30 in the morning (not an often enough occurance to get angry about :P))

But right now I'm playing pokemon snap... to pass time... lol don't judge me - it's an awesome game :P

I've talked to my bf and we've decided that I should buy some weed just for myself for when I can't sleep/my legs hurt... to calm my nerves - I think it might help.

Mmm but I'll come back to this post later.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Day 13 - Yoga

Yoga pretty much was the most painful/relaxing thing I've every experienced.

And yes I'm going back :D

I haven't been writing lately because I've been extremely tired. I've been napping for about 4 hours in the afternoon for the last couple of days - and I'm going to make a doctors appointment soon... since I want to talk about my medications and maybe try something that doesn't make me so tired all day (if it's the medication that's doing it... I dunno - I'm so new to all of this!)

My legs hurt really bad... but I made myself hot chocolate and I'm all wrapped up in a blanket on my big black couch - I'm going to have a hot bath soon... I'm hoping that'll make me feel a bit better.

I'm really lost on what I'm going to do for the weekend - I'm suppose to go to a friend's wedding this weekend - but I've also been asked to escort a friend off island for medical (plus a couple hundred bucks!).

This could be a really important point in this friend's and my friendship - and I really don't think my other friend will care too much if I don't attend - although my parents probably won't forgive me. So what am I suppose to do?

I think I might play "sick" and not go to the wedding and go off-island instead.

lol I'm evil... but I really don't want to stay at my parents house again.. it was a huge effort to stay there for as long as I did... and I can't smoke weed there... and right now.. until I get everything in order I'm using that as a pain/sleep aid at night.

*sigh* what to do?

Well I'm going to drink my hot chocolate - Yoga hurts!


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Watching a Movie

We're watching The Happening tonight... I REALLY want to see it! <3

I'm hoping I'm going to be able to stay awake... I really should go to bed... but I think i'm going to take the damage today and recover tomorrow...


I'm going to regret this....

*But secretly I want to see how far I can push myself*

Foolish I know... but I want to know what happens when I blow it before I have more of a routine going - because I think to tackle this the best I can I need to know the deep lows to appreciate the highs.

I want to develop some sort of philosophy to help myself through this... because a belief in something can really help with the spirit.

And being in strong spirits keeps you happy :)

What is life


Day 10 - I've Been Gone

I've been visiting my parents for the last couple of days... not the BEST time of my life but it was okay it could have been a whole lot worst.

I was really sick almost the whole time - I couldn't even attend my friend's bridal shower.

Hehe... although I did get to have coffee with her.

OMG she's clueless! Haha awww I love her - I wish her so much luck in her marriage - I just think that marriage before co-habitation = probable failure.

But I really was sick... I almost passed out on the walk home from our visit.

Wasn't good.

I was able to stay until the end of the Live Auction at the Ducks dinner.... and then I went home and passed out watching my brother play Dark Cloud 2 (he recently acquired a PS2 from a friend).

I woke up 2 hours later - took my medication and went back to sleep on and off for the rest of the night.

And I forgot to mention that I was so low on energy at one moment I literally could not get up from the couch - I'm getting worried that its getting worst.

If things don't get better soon I'm making another doctors appointment.

Mmmm but I'm home now :) I can relax and do fuck all - all day if I need to.

But tomorrow I want to clean the house up a bit. Do laundry for sure! I've convinced my bf to help me pack down the baskets if I need it (he's so sweet). I find if I ask him way to help me with something way before I actually need help he's more likely to find time to do it... sometimes taking different approaches with people helps with communication (I consider this communication because it's accomplishing and understanding of each other's need - mine that I need help and his to know beforehand that I need help so he'll have time for it.)


The house is a disaster though! The guys are such slobs! They leave shit everywhere... don't load the dishwasher or anything.

I think I'm going to work on one of my roommates to convince him to turn on the dishwasher at least once a day. That would make a worlds difference.


I'm done...

I'll write more tomorrow... or maybe later the guy's are having a cooler night :P

(hehe... a cooler night is a night where everybody buys a 2 litre cooler (or 2 of them :P) each and passes them around like a joint until they are all done. It pretty much guarantees puking for atleast one participant every time... it should be interesting (if I can stay up :( I should go to bed soon))


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Day 6 - Cleaning Day?

I'm hoping to get some cleaning done... my shoulders are aching today though... so I'm going to relax for a bit.

But besides that and feeling a bit nauseous I'm not doing that bad.

But I can't type right now... my shoulders suck... haha I'll write more in a bit **Thought I could do it**

I think I'm going to lay back down and try to get some more rest.

**Happy Thoughts

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Purple Haze



She blinked twice, lifted her hands in the air in surrender and accepted her fate.

What is fate anyway? What we end up with when there finally is no other options for change?

Fate isn't fate - it's just the inability to adapt.

But one is limited to how they can adapt.

One can not adapt to certain extremes - you can not adapt to living in the Arctic with nothing but a pair of shorts on - neither can one adapt to the state of death - death is the end of adaption - it is in the sense the final adaption.

Haha that sounds REALLY dismal... death and dying and all that such - but sometimes extremes work better for explaining.

It was an endless thirst - and she searched far and wide for something quench it but nothing lasted.

The desert was hot. The kind of hot that made it feel like your feet were melting off when it got your sandals. The air was dry - and hurt the lungs to deeply inhale - it was almost thinner than average. The sun lit the skin on fire and it pierced deep into the muscles making it difficult to trudge a long. The heat was exauhsting... the pain and weight of things carried weigh more heavily than usual and at night the change in temperature from the harsh heat of day to the freezing of night makes sleep impossible. The path followed is one unknown - with no known destination just a hope that the next step would bring you closer to peace.

Where will it take the traveler?


My favourite kind of pop is Canada Dry but I often call it "Canadian Dry" by mistake.
I'm the only person in my house who drinks coffee.
I hate cake.
I read the whole Lord Of the Rings Trilogy before the movie


In every house hold, hidden cleverly amongst the junk in basements and cluttered closets live that houses Permanent Petite Super Intelligent Gnomes.. or 2PSIGS as they call themselves in their tongue.

These creatures, according to the scale of intellegence created by Sr. 2PSIG III himself, rate 20X more intelligent than humans... and if it wasn't for their unfortunate size... and the ability to be stomped on with very little skill... wouldn't have to be hiding in people's attics breeding mice.

The 2SPSIGS measure to be about the size of the average man's thumbnail and are known to catch and raise spiders for their silk to weave the long robes that they wear.

It's common knowledge that 2SPIGS have a weird obsession with spoons, pens and left socks - these items are used in their monthly Rituals of Superiority in which they have great feasts of mice meat.

Besides that they keep to themselves always planning something but never going through with it.

Day 5 - A NOT so Great Day

Today was horrible.
Today I found out for sure that I have Fibromyalgia.

There was always a hope until I saw a specialist that I had the wrong diagnosis. But now that I've seen a specialist and she agreed with the doctor it's pretty much certain that I have it.

It's so funny how life turns out... I never thought I'd be in this situation.

It's difficult to explain the emotions that I have towards this. It would be easy to say I'm upset - but it goes so much deeper than that. I'm unsure of what my future will turn out like - I've always been able to do anything that I put my mind to - but now... my body might prevent me from that.

No amount of work is going to make me feel better...

But that's a lie... I'm going to join the yoga group - going to get my sleep in order - work on my diet - this isn't work in terms of time spent - this is work in the way of will power.

I'm going to have to fight this in the way that it's going to hurt most - not working through the pain day in and day out but understanding when to relax and take it easy or when to tough through it. I'm going to have to change my day to day routine day to day depending on how I'm feeling.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into this - but I think it's better that I judge what is coming than to stand in the dark of what I have to face.

I'm not looking forward to this challenge - I cringe at it - this is something I really don't want to do - but I'm left with no choice - life has thrown this at me.

My parents are useless - their religious crap about how god can save me really upsets me - it's their crutch not mine. Religion is great in the terms of the community, sense of meaning and purpose and hope for more than this life - I however find no need for the institution.

God can't save me - only I can save me.

Plus they won't let my boyfriend and I stay at their house! My mom said "She'd be uncomfortable"

Grow up! We've been living together for over a year now! Been dating for FOUR years! - how immature is that?

I apologize - I find it pointless to fight my parents against their ideals - So I find the need to rant about it from time to time..

They rather piss me off.

Today was a really bad day - I'm going to bed early to try and ward off tomorrow.


Monday, October 6, 2008

Some Days are Great

Sometimes you have a really good day. I for one, had an extremly good day. I woke up early, got a lot of what I had to do done...

**Except laundry and phoning my grandma**

heh... sometimes one more day won't hurt :P

I went and visited a potential friend today. She's pretty cool and although she admitedly had a coke/crack problem she's pretty much like me :P Loves weed, coffee and chatting.

Even though my legs are killing me I feel pretty darn good. I'm in the process of making dinner, I've eliminated almost everything important I have to do and its just me, my boyfriend and my cat chilling after a decent session - Pretty much what I think every Monday afternoon should be like :P

** I love my roommates, but sometimes I need space! **

Life is really interesting

Day 4- Look! The Sun!

I LOVE the Sun

Honestly the sun is my hero. When I see it shining through my window I get the assurance that today could be a whole lot worst - I could be stuck in a hurricane.

Sometime you just have to be happy about the little things in life.

My Cat is sitting at the window peering outside. I should really take it outside for a bit. (We don't let it go outside by itself since well... we're not allowed to have pets in the place we're renting... but after I had to stay home for so long, my boyfriend brought one home for me as a surprise)

It's a wild cat, my boyfriend found it up towards where the hippies live. Once night hits it goes in attack mode and runs around my house with boundless energy looking for something to be its prey.

Usually it attacks unsuspecting hair ties.

I haven't really mentioned my boyfriend yet... or my living arrangements.

I live with my boyfriend. We've had this place for a year now, but we've been dating for four. I also live with two roommates, one lives in the basement and occupies himself with blowing things up and repairing old quads and motor bikes (he does the occasional car repair too) and the other lives upstairs and works with film to document the history of where we live.

My boyfriend - he works at a shake and shingle mill and he works hard, I always laugh when he comes in covered head to toe in sawdust.

My landlord has just recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and might sell the place we rent. If that happens I'm going to have to seriously consider buying.... something I was hoping to wait for a bit longer to do.

Eh... but we can't be evicted for 3 months - its illegal to evict somebody in the winter time so we have some time before we have to come to a decision on that.

but... I gotta go to the doctor today. So I better get my day started. I'm feeling pretty okay except for my shoulder - hey though :P my shoulder not my leg!


Sunday, October 5, 2008

Wrestling Eeeeeewwww

Sometimes when I feel the most inspired is when I'm most lost for words.

The guys went out to watch wrestling and play Xbox and everybody else went home so it's just me sitting on a couch with myself.

I told a friend who I was worried about telling. I called her. Something I hadn't done in a couple of months. We were really close since we were kids, but drifted apart after high school. It was nice to chat with her :) We're going for lunch on Tuesday after my doctors appointment - we have such different outlooks on life - sometimes I think she lives in another world than I do - I love her though. I always will.

You know those people that no matter what happens they will always mean something to you. Those people that when their name comes up you're actually interested in whats going on. Those people are people that in one way or another you have a bit of love for, whether its love because of the memories you share or the love of hearing how wrong things are going. (The emotions of love and hate are very close don't you think?)

Ha! The truth is I put the last bit "don't you think" in the above paragraph just to write improper. When I was in university one of the first things they taught you about writing essays and "important pieces of literature" was to not put informal writing in it.

Well! I love informal writing. Why? Because it gives flare to your work, it shows emotion and opinion, it makes the writing dynamic... not STATIC... I may not be the greatest writer in the world, but I do attempt to display feeling in my writing.

I really believe that every time somebody writes they are saying something about themselves. They are drawing upon their own knowledge of language, punctuation, and the world around them to express a desired piece of work. And every time somebody reads something somebody wrote they are reading two things, not only the piece of work itself, but the way the work is written.

My writing is often all over the place. I use improper punctuation, sentence structure and whole lot of other things that I really should work on. But I can understand what I'm writing, I get the overall picture of what I'm trying to say when I reread what I write. (Yes I proof to some point... I tend to type words together such as "fighctub" instead of "fight club")

Speaking of fight club, we have a picture of a man in this room smiling at us, posed in a "Karate" stance looking like he's ready to kick someones ass with the words "Fight club" on the side. People always ask why we have him there, we tell them... if you saw this man on the street wouldn't you want to fight him?

The answer is always yes :P

I really don't know what to write anymore lol I should really go to bed. But I should go check and make sure all the food is in the fridge, since the guys tend to like to leave things out. Plus I made brownies earlier, and those need to be covered up. So, I'll write tomorrow. I have a lot to do: Gotta see my Doctor tomorrow *yikes* and paper work... gah!

Happy Thoughts