Everything is "probable" not everything is "practical" reality often gets in the way of most of our dreams... but for me reality gets in of the way of most of my life.
I'm suppose to go for coffee with my brother today (AND yes.. I made sure he was ACTUALLY going to be at school before deciding to walk and look for him) the only problem right now is that I'm not sure that I can walk.
No literally I don't think that I could succesfully make it down the stairs without some seriose pain - if this doesn't get better by the afternoon I'm going to get a ride to the hospital. I could always tough it out - but toughing it out means there is no records of it in the doctors office which = BAD for me if I end up not being able to work. (Right now if I was Religious I'd be praising the holy heavens that I don't have to work today... I hurt.. and I hurt bad)
I had a friend ask me about me being sick. I was honest with him. I told him I have a chronic pain disorder and that I'm going to have it for the rest of my life... that yes (as he was snooping around in my notes on Fibro) I have to rest whenever I climb stairs... long walks suck ass and I'm in pain pretty much from when I wake up to when I go to bed.
I didn't discuss with him the fatigue part of fibro... I'm thinking to avoid confusion (and the impression that I'm lazy) I'm going to avoid mentioning my fatigue symptoms and liken them to pain... because both pain and fatigue can prevent you from doing something and pain is better recognized to the general public.
It's a bit underhanded... but I fear that people won't understand when I say "I'm Exauhsted" they don't understand what exauhstion is... or if they do they only know what it is from a lot of hard work - It just doesn't take me much hard work to get to that point... but everybody understands pain.
I'm suppose to write up a resume for my boyfriend today (he wants to apply at the seabase as the luggage guy... you get to drive a quad all day). Not a big deal I just couldn't do it last night (I likened my pain in my knees to the worst headache I've ever had then adding the feeling that sombody is scraping the back of your knee cap with hot needles.. more like poking it through to the otherside) last night I was a mess.. tried to go bed to bed.. failed... tried to sleep again failed... it wasn't until after 1pm that I finally was asleep for the first time... I slept okay though... only got up around four times! - I'm not tired today... I just hurt.
It's Garbage day today... and I'm going to ask my roommates to help me with that.. I don't think I could manage it today :( I'm going to clean up most of the garbage I just don't think I can carry it to the curb.
I just want the pain to stop - but pain can't stop your life... you still have to live.
Alas... a life living with pain.
*HappyThoughts*** (I need them!)
PS... if anybody ever reads this blog.. I hope you can grasp even the faintest feeling of what I go through everday... not so I can feel understood but so you don't take your life for granted... because a life without pain and physical barriers is a valuable thing.
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