Notes To Myself

Please remember to do the following things each day:

Smile :)
Go for a Walk :)
Give bf a Kiss when he leaves to Work:)
Take it Easy :)
Enjoy the Little Things :)
Love Life :)
Act like Everyday is a Day Gained :)
Remember to Breathe :)

Friday, October 31, 2008

It's Haloween - *sigh*

So yeah, I'm going back to work... not much I can do about it :(

I've decided to do my best - if this actually works and I can get my job back I'd be absolutly thrilled. But I've also decided that I'm not going to lie to myself either: If I can't do it, I CAN'T do it - doesn't mean "push harder" *maybe for the first day but you know what I mean :p* - because "pushing harder" means falling farther in debt... and I can't fall any farther I've been trying to get out of the pit I'm stuck in for a long time now and I'm not going to push myself farther and sicker.

*sigh* it's halloween. I wanted to go out SO bad...

And now I'm sitting here - smoking weed and eating way too much candy whining on the internet :(


I am going to Die

Yes, yes, yes, we WILL all die one day - but what I mean is that my life as I know it is going to come to a very sudden end.

My doctor has gone to India and she wrote a back to work schedual that she didn't discuss with me... and so disability has cut me off of my benifts and I have to go back to work and the earliest date that I can see a doctor at is on the 1st of December (with a different doctor since my regular doc isn't back until January).

Pretty much I'm NOT ready to go back to work.

Pretty much I HAVE to go back to work.

Pretty much that's going to kill me.

So pretty much I'm going to die.

I'm back to work on Tuesday.

Fuck the world.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Yoga today!

I'm excited actually - I did a bunch of cleaning today *been feeling awesome* and now I'm resting for a bit - I want to make sure I have enough energy to make it through yoga :D

It's really such a good day - to think that I can have days like this that are so much better than what I have been dealing with makes me think that there might be some hope of living a semi-normal life.

Things that I think contributed to my good day:

I got a lot of exercise! - we went driving through the trails and there were a lot of getting out and watching as the guys towed the truck (with no starter) with the little Honda Civic (the car I might get to drive!!) and a lot of sitting (in the car!)

I had a genuinly good day - no stress, no hassle juts a lot of fun :D

I went to bed - and slept semi well.

I think it's important to keep track of the things that I think improves my symptoms.



Monday, October 27, 2008


Once and awhile somebody will do something for you that is so appreciated that they will never understand the depth of it.

i had a friend come over and she cleaned the intire game room! She even cleaned the gross orange slime from under the chair that nobody would even touch.

It's not that I don't clean because I think it's gross or something appealing to do - I use to actually enjoy cleaning when I had the house to myself - but now with my lower energy levels I have a hard time keeping up with the oncoming mess that builds up day after day to even start on the old messes - and after I leave for 4 days and come home to a messy house I am NOT motivated to clean it.

But I had a friendly farie come and rescue me <3

I'm so happy


Day ??

Hmm so yesterday was a record low on the "I think I'll survive this meter"

Today my goals are to learn how to steal spoons (and make spoons for that matter!) AND visit my little brother and have a coffee with him.

That's it... besides the obviouse housework I try to stay semi - ontop of...

My bf is working his 8th day straight now - I think it's great that he has something to get out of the house to do :) - although I do miss his company :(

Now I just need to figure this out enough so I can leave the house :P - I'm at level ONE for fucksakes... I need more experience before I fight the mini boss! Sometimes things just take time :P

Sunday, October 26, 2008

A New Day

I'm fighting through a lot of pain to write this... my whole body aches - I am in complete agony - my bones feel bruised... my muscles torn with wear... the computer screen makes me nautous.. and my concentration is not all there... I cannot move without great pain and so I sit and write.

What am I... what am I but nothing... I am frail and weak... and I don't know how to fight this... I scared I'll lose the fight...

Somebody help?? No one can help :( No one seems to understand.

I'm so young - I have a whole life to live - a whole life that is nothing now - How I can I fight something that defeats you the more effort you throw at it? I try and sit and wait... I try to give myself time to heal... but I feel useless... and powerless to this force.

I feel like a burden to those around me... I try my best to do as much as I can but it's hard... who knew stairs would be my arch nemisis.... how I hate walking up and down them :(

This hurts me in so many ways... socially - I can't go out AND I can drink! - I get too tired and I need to rest at every stop - all I can do is stay at home and go to bed at a rediculously early hour... what 20 year old has to do that???

Honestly not working is really really hard - everybody else works! - I sit at home and try and clean the best I can and I don't even have the energy for that most of the time :(

It's hard to admit that I'm having memory problems *haha - not because of weed* because my body has to process pain ALL the time and my nervious system is on overload I have a hard time processing information. I'll walk into a room for something and totally forget what it was by the time I get there - It's not a good feeling having to stop for a second to think about what you walked from the living room to the kitchen for.

Sometimes you just have to say fuck my life...

honestly this is one of those times.

**fuck my life*

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Way Way Way WAY too long :(

It's been way too long since I've graced my Blog...

I'm sorry :( It's been a long week and I've been SO busy!

The wedding... visiting my sister and parents... my bf's family thanksgiving (a week late I know... but some of the family couldn't make it last week)

Plus my internet has been down :( NOT happy about that one.

I have a doctors appointment on the 23rd... I just want to touch base with the doctor and discuss some of the symptoms I'm experienciing... I'm still not sleeping (specially when my roommate brings a girl home and bangs her until 4:30 in the morning (not an often enough occurance to get angry about :P))

But right now I'm playing pokemon snap... to pass time... lol don't judge me - it's an awesome game :P

I've talked to my bf and we've decided that I should buy some weed just for myself for when I can't sleep/my legs hurt... to calm my nerves - I think it might help.

Mmm but I'll come back to this post later.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Day 13 - Yoga

Yoga pretty much was the most painful/relaxing thing I've every experienced.

And yes I'm going back :D

I haven't been writing lately because I've been extremely tired. I've been napping for about 4 hours in the afternoon for the last couple of days - and I'm going to make a doctors appointment soon... since I want to talk about my medications and maybe try something that doesn't make me so tired all day (if it's the medication that's doing it... I dunno - I'm so new to all of this!)

My legs hurt really bad... but I made myself hot chocolate and I'm all wrapped up in a blanket on my big black couch - I'm going to have a hot bath soon... I'm hoping that'll make me feel a bit better.

I'm really lost on what I'm going to do for the weekend - I'm suppose to go to a friend's wedding this weekend - but I've also been asked to escort a friend off island for medical (plus a couple hundred bucks!).

This could be a really important point in this friend's and my friendship - and I really don't think my other friend will care too much if I don't attend - although my parents probably won't forgive me. So what am I suppose to do?

I think I might play "sick" and not go to the wedding and go off-island instead.

lol I'm evil... but I really don't want to stay at my parents house again.. it was a huge effort to stay there for as long as I did... and I can't smoke weed there... and right now.. until I get everything in order I'm using that as a pain/sleep aid at night.

*sigh* what to do?

Well I'm going to drink my hot chocolate - Yoga hurts!


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Watching a Movie

We're watching The Happening tonight... I REALLY want to see it! <3

I'm hoping I'm going to be able to stay awake... I really should go to bed... but I think i'm going to take the damage today and recover tomorrow...


I'm going to regret this....

*But secretly I want to see how far I can push myself*

Foolish I know... but I want to know what happens when I blow it before I have more of a routine going - because I think to tackle this the best I can I need to know the deep lows to appreciate the highs.

I want to develop some sort of philosophy to help myself through this... because a belief in something can really help with the spirit.

And being in strong spirits keeps you happy :)

What is life


Day 10 - I've Been Gone

I've been visiting my parents for the last couple of days... not the BEST time of my life but it was okay it could have been a whole lot worst.

I was really sick almost the whole time - I couldn't even attend my friend's bridal shower.

Hehe... although I did get to have coffee with her.

OMG she's clueless! Haha awww I love her - I wish her so much luck in her marriage - I just think that marriage before co-habitation = probable failure.

But I really was sick... I almost passed out on the walk home from our visit.

Wasn't good.

I was able to stay until the end of the Live Auction at the Ducks dinner.... and then I went home and passed out watching my brother play Dark Cloud 2 (he recently acquired a PS2 from a friend).

I woke up 2 hours later - took my medication and went back to sleep on and off for the rest of the night.

And I forgot to mention that I was so low on energy at one moment I literally could not get up from the couch - I'm getting worried that its getting worst.

If things don't get better soon I'm making another doctors appointment.

Mmmm but I'm home now :) I can relax and do fuck all - all day if I need to.

But tomorrow I want to clean the house up a bit. Do laundry for sure! I've convinced my bf to help me pack down the baskets if I need it (he's so sweet). I find if I ask him way to help me with something way before I actually need help he's more likely to find time to do it... sometimes taking different approaches with people helps with communication (I consider this communication because it's accomplishing and understanding of each other's need - mine that I need help and his to know beforehand that I need help so he'll have time for it.)


The house is a disaster though! The guys are such slobs! They leave shit everywhere... don't load the dishwasher or anything.

I think I'm going to work on one of my roommates to convince him to turn on the dishwasher at least once a day. That would make a worlds difference.


I'm done...

I'll write more tomorrow... or maybe later the guy's are having a cooler night :P

(hehe... a cooler night is a night where everybody buys a 2 litre cooler (or 2 of them :P) each and passes them around like a joint until they are all done. It pretty much guarantees puking for atleast one participant every time... it should be interesting (if I can stay up :( I should go to bed soon))


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Day 6 - Cleaning Day?

I'm hoping to get some cleaning done... my shoulders are aching today though... so I'm going to relax for a bit.

But besides that and feeling a bit nauseous I'm not doing that bad.

But I can't type right now... my shoulders suck... haha I'll write more in a bit **Thought I could do it**

I think I'm going to lay back down and try to get some more rest.

**Happy Thoughts

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Purple Haze



She blinked twice, lifted her hands in the air in surrender and accepted her fate.

What is fate anyway? What we end up with when there finally is no other options for change?

Fate isn't fate - it's just the inability to adapt.

But one is limited to how they can adapt.

One can not adapt to certain extremes - you can not adapt to living in the Arctic with nothing but a pair of shorts on - neither can one adapt to the state of death - death is the end of adaption - it is in the sense the final adaption.

Haha that sounds REALLY dismal... death and dying and all that such - but sometimes extremes work better for explaining.

It was an endless thirst - and she searched far and wide for something quench it but nothing lasted.

The desert was hot. The kind of hot that made it feel like your feet were melting off when it got your sandals. The air was dry - and hurt the lungs to deeply inhale - it was almost thinner than average. The sun lit the skin on fire and it pierced deep into the muscles making it difficult to trudge a long. The heat was exauhsting... the pain and weight of things carried weigh more heavily than usual and at night the change in temperature from the harsh heat of day to the freezing of night makes sleep impossible. The path followed is one unknown - with no known destination just a hope that the next step would bring you closer to peace.

Where will it take the traveler?


My favourite kind of pop is Canada Dry but I often call it "Canadian Dry" by mistake.
I'm the only person in my house who drinks coffee.
I hate cake.
I read the whole Lord Of the Rings Trilogy before the movie


In every house hold, hidden cleverly amongst the junk in basements and cluttered closets live that houses Permanent Petite Super Intelligent Gnomes.. or 2PSIGS as they call themselves in their tongue.

These creatures, according to the scale of intellegence created by Sr. 2PSIG III himself, rate 20X more intelligent than humans... and if it wasn't for their unfortunate size... and the ability to be stomped on with very little skill... wouldn't have to be hiding in people's attics breeding mice.

The 2SPSIGS measure to be about the size of the average man's thumbnail and are known to catch and raise spiders for their silk to weave the long robes that they wear.

It's common knowledge that 2SPIGS have a weird obsession with spoons, pens and left socks - these items are used in their monthly Rituals of Superiority in which they have great feasts of mice meat.

Besides that they keep to themselves always planning something but never going through with it.

Day 5 - A NOT so Great Day

Today was horrible.
Today I found out for sure that I have Fibromyalgia.

There was always a hope until I saw a specialist that I had the wrong diagnosis. But now that I've seen a specialist and she agreed with the doctor it's pretty much certain that I have it.

It's so funny how life turns out... I never thought I'd be in this situation.

It's difficult to explain the emotions that I have towards this. It would be easy to say I'm upset - but it goes so much deeper than that. I'm unsure of what my future will turn out like - I've always been able to do anything that I put my mind to - but now... my body might prevent me from that.

No amount of work is going to make me feel better...

But that's a lie... I'm going to join the yoga group - going to get my sleep in order - work on my diet - this isn't work in terms of time spent - this is work in the way of will power.

I'm going to have to fight this in the way that it's going to hurt most - not working through the pain day in and day out but understanding when to relax and take it easy or when to tough through it. I'm going to have to change my day to day routine day to day depending on how I'm feeling.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into this - but I think it's better that I judge what is coming than to stand in the dark of what I have to face.

I'm not looking forward to this challenge - I cringe at it - this is something I really don't want to do - but I'm left with no choice - life has thrown this at me.

My parents are useless - their religious crap about how god can save me really upsets me - it's their crutch not mine. Religion is great in the terms of the community, sense of meaning and purpose and hope for more than this life - I however find no need for the institution.

God can't save me - only I can save me.

Plus they won't let my boyfriend and I stay at their house! My mom said "She'd be uncomfortable"

Grow up! We've been living together for over a year now! Been dating for FOUR years! - how immature is that?

I apologize - I find it pointless to fight my parents against their ideals - So I find the need to rant about it from time to time..

They rather piss me off.

Today was a really bad day - I'm going to bed early to try and ward off tomorrow.


Monday, October 6, 2008

Some Days are Great

Sometimes you have a really good day. I for one, had an extremly good day. I woke up early, got a lot of what I had to do done...

**Except laundry and phoning my grandma**

heh... sometimes one more day won't hurt :P

I went and visited a potential friend today. She's pretty cool and although she admitedly had a coke/crack problem she's pretty much like me :P Loves weed, coffee and chatting.

Even though my legs are killing me I feel pretty darn good. I'm in the process of making dinner, I've eliminated almost everything important I have to do and its just me, my boyfriend and my cat chilling after a decent session - Pretty much what I think every Monday afternoon should be like :P

** I love my roommates, but sometimes I need space! **

Life is really interesting

Day 4- Look! The Sun!

I LOVE the Sun

Honestly the sun is my hero. When I see it shining through my window I get the assurance that today could be a whole lot worst - I could be stuck in a hurricane.

Sometime you just have to be happy about the little things in life.

My Cat is sitting at the window peering outside. I should really take it outside for a bit. (We don't let it go outside by itself since well... we're not allowed to have pets in the place we're renting... but after I had to stay home for so long, my boyfriend brought one home for me as a surprise)

It's a wild cat, my boyfriend found it up towards where the hippies live. Once night hits it goes in attack mode and runs around my house with boundless energy looking for something to be its prey.

Usually it attacks unsuspecting hair ties.

I haven't really mentioned my boyfriend yet... or my living arrangements.

I live with my boyfriend. We've had this place for a year now, but we've been dating for four. I also live with two roommates, one lives in the basement and occupies himself with blowing things up and repairing old quads and motor bikes (he does the occasional car repair too) and the other lives upstairs and works with film to document the history of where we live.

My boyfriend - he works at a shake and shingle mill and he works hard, I always laugh when he comes in covered head to toe in sawdust.

My landlord has just recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and might sell the place we rent. If that happens I'm going to have to seriously consider buying.... something I was hoping to wait for a bit longer to do.

Eh... but we can't be evicted for 3 months - its illegal to evict somebody in the winter time so we have some time before we have to come to a decision on that.

but... I gotta go to the doctor today. So I better get my day started. I'm feeling pretty okay except for my shoulder - hey though :P my shoulder not my leg!


Sunday, October 5, 2008

Wrestling Eeeeeewwww

Sometimes when I feel the most inspired is when I'm most lost for words.

The guys went out to watch wrestling and play Xbox and everybody else went home so it's just me sitting on a couch with myself.

I told a friend who I was worried about telling. I called her. Something I hadn't done in a couple of months. We were really close since we were kids, but drifted apart after high school. It was nice to chat with her :) We're going for lunch on Tuesday after my doctors appointment - we have such different outlooks on life - sometimes I think she lives in another world than I do - I love her though. I always will.

You know those people that no matter what happens they will always mean something to you. Those people that when their name comes up you're actually interested in whats going on. Those people are people that in one way or another you have a bit of love for, whether its love because of the memories you share or the love of hearing how wrong things are going. (The emotions of love and hate are very close don't you think?)

Ha! The truth is I put the last bit "don't you think" in the above paragraph just to write improper. When I was in university one of the first things they taught you about writing essays and "important pieces of literature" was to not put informal writing in it.

Well! I love informal writing. Why? Because it gives flare to your work, it shows emotion and opinion, it makes the writing dynamic... not STATIC... I may not be the greatest writer in the world, but I do attempt to display feeling in my writing.

I really believe that every time somebody writes they are saying something about themselves. They are drawing upon their own knowledge of language, punctuation, and the world around them to express a desired piece of work. And every time somebody reads something somebody wrote they are reading two things, not only the piece of work itself, but the way the work is written.

My writing is often all over the place. I use improper punctuation, sentence structure and whole lot of other things that I really should work on. But I can understand what I'm writing, I get the overall picture of what I'm trying to say when I reread what I write. (Yes I proof to some point... I tend to type words together such as "fighctub" instead of "fight club")

Speaking of fight club, we have a picture of a man in this room smiling at us, posed in a "Karate" stance looking like he's ready to kick someones ass with the words "Fight club" on the side. People always ask why we have him there, we tell them... if you saw this man on the street wouldn't you want to fight him?

The answer is always yes :P

I really don't know what to write anymore lol I should really go to bed. But I should go check and make sure all the food is in the fridge, since the guys tend to like to leave things out. Plus I made brownies earlier, and those need to be covered up. So, I'll write tomorrow. I have a lot to do: Gotta see my Doctor tomorrow *yikes* and paper work... gah!

Happy Thoughts



His music really speaks to me, it's soothing yet meaningful.

- I wrote this a couple days ago and as I'm sitting listening to if 9 was 6 and its such a good song I thought I should say something about it: Its got soul, he's saying something with his music, the musicians are feeling the music when they're playing, he's not a singer he's an artist.

His music helps me relax. I could listen to it everyday of my life.


Close you eyes and imagine you're laying on a raft drifting down a river, the sun is shining, there are birds flying above you, fluffy white clouds drifting away in the wind, trees bristling (lol does that word work??!?) in the warm wind and ducks swimming peacefully. You can put your hand in the water, and the first thing you think is not that its cold, but that its refreshing. Think of a place where you have no cares in the world, where you can relax, where nothing matters.

Sometimes I like to chill and listen to music - you know - actually listen to it.


I like this draft thing this site has... it gives me a chance to reread the thing I didn't want to post and gives me ideas of what I should write about.

I guess those Google people know what they're doing :P

Yeah... I said I was going down stairs... haha still hasn't happen: I think I might just lay here and nap haha I'm SOOO comfy :P


Day 3

I'm tired today, not feeling all awesome and fluffy and like I can climb a mountain anyway. My legs ache.

Not a painful ache... but one of those aches that you get when you muscles are weak and tired, like after a soccer tournament where you play 3 games in a row.

But really holy shit, I didn't think that this was going to be this bad. I could handle the joint pain, I mean it hurts oh well just ignore it - but my muscles just being weak?

I'm smoking weed today uhuh just let the day go by :P - Sometimes fighting isn't the answer pacifism never hurt nobody (except the pacifist):P

Sometimes you just need to take the easy way out when it hurts too much to fight.


I don't really know what to write. Let me try something.

So the girls go back to their boyfriends and he's good, I picked up some tips. You're playing the star spangled banner? I'm not pro American or anything I'm just not interested in listening to their anthem. Imagine if somebody walked in and we were listening to it. Still go the string on it and i do this everyday *swings wallet around by string*. I do this. You okay? Fuck yeah guys I got food down stairs. Aww I should phone my mom *Phones mom*. call mom. Don't dial under the influence. I'm looking for a drivers folder for that computer, maybe its the other way around. What does this say? Oh that's what it is! I can't remember where I stashed all my drivers. *its sunny and we're listening to Jimi Hendrix* *on phone with mom* Was I getting the van today? Whats wrong with it? Its still not working?? geez the vans broken. Okay that's weird to say yep I should be okay yep I will sounds good aright bye. Ooooh yeah baby. fuck man I don't have to do anything for a real long time. That's the benefit of waking up early the day has barely started and I've already had an awesome time with you guys.

I'm good. :P


Saturday, October 4, 2008

Turn Some Lights On

It would be easy to suspect my rather dreary demeanor at the time might be directly related to my current well-being and overall health. If one was to suspect that they would be very correct.

I'd like to take a moment to reflect.

- owch
- um...

Yeah I got nothing, reflecting isn't working and I'm stuck here typing on this computer about pretty much nothing at all.

So let me write a short grisly tale about a man who had a habit.

This man's habit wasn't one that people would second guess his integrity, neither was it one that would cause the average person gasp. It was a habit that most people would never think of, this man was afflicted with an addiction so odd that to this day his close family and friends are puzzled with exactly how he got in that predicament.

This man was addicted to Ms. Mary's Homemade Raisin English Muffins or "Mrem" as the man like to call it.

This man was so addicted to these baked goods that unlike average people who woke up to alarm clocks this man had an automatic toaster and every morning he'd roll over to the smell of a perfectly toasted Mrem, lather it in butter and eat.

Of course he never just ate one. His average consumption ranged from 15-20 a meal.

You now how to stop and wonder how such a man could survive on nothing but flour, raisins, butter and some other random ingredients, but some how it sustained him through the last 15 years.

It was on his 15th year of being on "Mrem" when this man started to see some complication of his diet. He was huge of course, but could still get around the kitchen to make himself more, the complications were much more severe for than that: The man was noticing that between his fingers felt sticky almost like dough.

The condition worsened, and soon, raisins started to fall out of his nose and he couldn't open and close his hands without great effort and stickiness. It was soon that this man could not get out of his bed.

Luckily for him, he had stocked up on Mrem before this incident, and with all the supplies he needed he kept eating and eating and getting bigger and bigger and oddly doughier and doughier.

His friends began to worry about him and one of them dropped by to see how he was doing, since he didn't answer the door, and being a person of great nerve, the visitor let himself into the man's house and was terrified once he reached the bed room.

The man had grown so big that his doughy leg was sticking out into the hallway! The Visitor got scared and quickly left the man's house and contacted the local fire/police and ambulance that there was something seriously wrong.

On further inspection by the authorities it was decided that the man would not be able to leave the house unless one of the walls were removed so he could escape the tomb that he had created.

The removal of the wall was a tricky bit since the man was sticking to the insides of the walls. They decided to cut the wall completely out and let it fall onto it's side. The only unforeseen problem with the plan was that the man fell onto his side sufficiently stuck to that one wall as the wall fell, the impact caused him to be squished flat and that was the end of the man.

Although the town did have free dough for some time.

The end.

Happy *

Day 2 - It's an early Morning :P

So everybody didn't get home until I was about to get up this morning. It makes me a bit jealous that they have the energy to go out and party all night and I have to stay home and force pills down my throat. It's not really fair... but in the famous words of my dad: Life's not Fair, Get Over It.

It was a friend's birthday party today and her house is only across the circle, but it really seemed just too far away to be able to make it. Plus, if I go out, I have to stay out for a bit and when they want to start partying at 11 I really can't keep up. I'm also taking twice as much as my medication right now as I was before, and taking another one to help me sleep so until I can get stable on everything I don't want to take the chance of staying out late and messing up my routine. Once I'm stable and have been on my meds for awhile I'll see how things are.

FUCK. Okay... I sound like I'm all drugged up. But I am. The medication I'm taking I have to take 3 times a day 2 pills at a time, it helps with nerve disorders and well... I have a nerve disorder.

I keep thinking that maybe this is all in my head that I'm not actually sick... and sick isn't even a word I can use to describe what's wrong with me. When you have a disorder you're not sick... when you have a disorder it means there is just something wrong with you and you're going to have to live with it. At least chicken noodle soup, rest and water can help you recover when you're sick. I can't recover.

I've been doing more research on all of this and I've concluded my body pretty much just hates me - the fact that my nerves are sending false information to my brain isn't a good thing and is actually rather upsetting. The fact that I have to take medication to help with the false nerve thingy... not much of a help either. I NEVER WANTED TO END UP LIKE THIS - taking medication everyday - being on disability - I just wanted to live a normal life. Why can't I have that? My life has been an adventure at least.

Maybe some people have to live shitty lives to help them appreciate the little things in life. At the moment I'm a bit bitter about this whole thing - but it's not the end of the world. I still have my family and friends, I still can get up in the morning and make breakfast (most of the time), I can still do a lot of the things I enjoy - it's just harder now that's all - just something that I'll have to work through -I'll have to grow stronger because I don't have a choice, I refuse to let this take over my life.

People say life is short - right now it seems like a pretty long journey.

Happy Thoughts **

Friday, October 3, 2008

Day One

Today is the first full day after my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.

Now I don't like the word diagnosis, it's not a happy word at all... it's a word used only when something is wrong and if I had a solution to make it all right at least I'd have something to work towards but there is no solution, so no amount of work will make me better.

I don't want to make this a big deal, I don't want many people to know - how can you explain it so they can understand? I don't even understand it. There is nothing physically wrong with me but my body hurts - it almost defies logic except that I'm living with it so I have to accept it.

At this point what am I suppose to do? I'm in denial a bit I think. I was suppose to see my doctor today, call disability, talk to my employer - but if I do all those things that means that this isn't something all in my head that I'm going to wake up and realize that I'm just making it up from. This is me accepting something is wrong and doing the things I'm suppose to about it and I don't want to accept it yet.

And what about work? What am I going to say to them: "Oh.. yeah I have Fibromyalgia... my muscular tissue likes to hurt all day and I have limited energy and sleeping problems... and... I'm going to have this for the rest of my life!"

Am I going to be able to be reliable? Am I going to be able to wake up in the morning everyday and have the energy to do my job? What if I CAN'T do it? Where am I then... do I look for a different job or go on disability? What am I going to do with my life if I DON'T work...

What kind of question will my job ask themselves? Will they second guess giving me promotions or new tasks if I do end up working full time? Will they be accommodating or difficult? Will they be understanding or think that I'm complaining or making most of it up?

I can see why people would second guess it. Who has something that has no known causes and can appear as blatant laziness? It could look like a great excuse.

But thinking about what CAN happen isn't going to help me. What I NEED to do is assess myself today, figure what I can do TODAY and move on and do what I can with that. I need to take care of MYSELF, not worry about what other people think, or might think but have an understanding that I know how I feel, I know that I hurt and that's all that matters - who cares what everybody else thinks.

Heh... if only it could be that easy to actually just accept that - I guess this is just the beginning so I shouldn't be surprised if I have bad days, days where I'm upset about it, days where things don't work out the way I want them too.

I dunno this is all so new. I do have to pick up my prescription Gabapentin from the hospital today. So I should get on that heh.. but in a bit ugh I'm comfy :P

Hopefully I can avoid my doctor and I'll go see her on Monday, I'm not ready to go talk to her about it yet.

I found out today that one of my teachers has the same thing. I should try and visit with her, it would be great to talk to somebody else who can understand what its like. I talked to a lady yesterday who also has it but she was almost falsy cheery on the phone and my teacher is closer to my age so she might know what can help when you first find out.

Aaaaa... I'm so lost! lol happy thoughts though :P Happy Thoughts :P Getting all dismal about this isn't going to make it better :P I got shit to do a life to live :) nobody said everything would work out perfect.