tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65967468309919622652024-02-08T02:49:32.736-08:00Muffins For SaleMore Happy Thoughts and I can fly to Never Never LandUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-69683125303870585742009-02-02T09:03:00.000-08:002009-02-02T09:04:16.370-08:00Mmm Link!Lets link this to my new one: muffinsforsalev2.blogspot.comUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-77797545191889944222008-11-19T17:19:00.000-08:002008-11-19T17:31:13.419-08:00CrazySo went to talk to the lady about my anxiety and she basically told me that she doesn't think I should even concider going back to work for atleast 6 months. She said that it's going to take a long to time to work through what's behind my anxiety - and deal with my PTSD and deal with my fibro and deal with underlying depression that she's sure I have.<br /><br />At first I was shocked at the diagnosis of depression, so I asked her what the definition of the word was... and the inability to feel joy or happyness is the definition... so I guess in some ways I'm depressed because I do have a hard time finding joy in things.<br /><br />But this sucks I was hoping a 3 month leave would be enough... 6 months or longer?<br /><br />And shit... I don't want to do the PTSD therapy there are certain things that are best left unremembered.... but I guess it might help... DAMN it though... fuck...<br /><br />Fuck...<br /><br />Chronic pain workshop tomorow at 5:30... another councillor appnt. at 10:45 on friday.... I'm tired of having everything in my day revolving around me being somewhere to talk about me being sick... being sick is hard enough without having to go place to talk about being sick all the time.<br /><br />Gah.... I'm just frustrated... not sure what to do with myself really... I just wanted to get through this faster than 6 months.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-9583795648243555132008-11-19T11:59:00.000-08:002008-11-19T17:08:07.448-08:00Macavity: The Mystery CatOne of my favourite poems of all time <3<br /><br />Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw--<br />For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law.<br />He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:<br />For when they reach the scene of crime--Macavity's not there!<br />Macavity, Macavity, there's no on like Macavity,<br />He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.<br />His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,<br />And when you reach the scene of crime--Macavity's not there!<br />You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air--<br />But I tell you once and once again, Macavity's not there!<br />Macavity's a ginger cat, he's very tall and thin;<br />You would know him if you saw him, for his eyes are sunken in.<br />His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly doomed;<br />His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed.<br />He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake;<br />And when you think he's half asleep, he's always wide awake.<br />Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,<br />For he's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.<br />You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square--<br />But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity's not there!<br />He's outwardly respectable. (They say he cheats at cards.)<br />And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard's.<br />And when the larder's looted, or the jewel-case is rifled,<br />Or when the milk is missing, or another Peke's been stifled,<br />Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair--<br />Ay, there's the wonder of the thing! Macavity's not there!<br />And when the Foreign Office finds a Treaty's gone astray,<br />Or the Admiralty lose some plans and drawings by the way,<br />There may be a scap of paper in the hall or on the stair--<br />But it's useless of investigate--Macavity's not there!<br />And when the loss has been disclosed, the Secret Service say:<br />"It must have been Macavity!"--but he's a mile away.<br />You'll be sure to find him resting, or a-licking of his thumbs,<br />Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums.<br />Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macacity,<br />There never was a Cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.<br />He always has an alibit, or one or two to spare:<br />And whatever time the deed took place--MACAVITY WASN'T THERE!<br />And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known<br />(I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone)<br />Are nothing more than agents for the Cat who all the time<br />Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of Crime!<br /><br />---------------<br /><br />Alas if I paid more attention to rhyme and scale... or if I actually applied myself poetry might be fun to write :D<br /><br />btw this poem is written by TS Eliot <--- Brilliant :DUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-22474143171655005012008-11-19T11:46:00.000-08:002008-11-19T11:58:15.124-08:00My CatHonestly... without my little bundle of hairy joy my life would have less meaning. My cat will come and cuddle with me when I'm sad or hurting... or play and go catch plastic pop bottle lids when I throw them... and KINDA bring them back to me... she's a cat though... she drops it just outside of my reach about 89 percent of the time.<br /><br />Sometimes my cat is the only one home with me... and keeps me company when I'm lonely... climbs under my blankets and cuddles against my legs to keep herself warm and purrs as she cuddles :)<br /><br />I can also call her from upstairs and she'll answer as she's running up the stairs that she's on her way...<br /><br />She's so tiny that she's no problem to carry either. And I love her calico antics <3<br /><br />*Happy Thoughts*Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-12657302611251193882008-11-18T16:10:00.000-08:002008-11-18T16:26:17.042-08:00Need a Cheerful BlogCheer time!<br /><br />It's not good to be down all the time and sad... so I thought I'd make a good long list of all the things I'm super happy about :D<br /><br />For one... I have lots of great friends who are pretty much awesome ;P<br />For two... My bf is totally awesome :D<br />For three... I'm not dying<br />For four... I have coffee right now :)<br />For five... I may not be able to dance... but I can always *dance*<br />For six... My life can only go UP from here :P<br />For seven... I have atleast six things I'm happy about :D<br />For eight... My house is nice and warm :D<br />For nine... I want to "jump and get crazy" - music makes me smile :D<br />For ten... I can *throw rocks* at all sorts of people<br />For eleven... I have WEED :D<br />For twelve... the coffee I was talking about ealier is actually a mocha!<br />For thriteen... the MOTHER2 fan-translation is DONE!<br />For fourteen... KOTOR anybody><br />For fifteen... Diablo II is a life saver if you're bored.<br />For sixteen... I'm 20!!! Haha.. not a teen an adult :P<br />For seventeen.. I look 16!! Hehe... student discounts :D<br />For eighteen... I have this goddamn computer with all it's crazy problems<br />For ninteen... I have friends who have weed :P<br />For twenty... I love to BLOG :D:D<br /><br />*dances*<br /><br />*HappyThoughts***<br /><br /><br />----------------------------------<br /><br />Yes... Happy :D<br /><br />But in other news I have 3 appointments with councilors about my (PTSD.. Anxiety... and work situation) Anxiety tomorow.. Work... Friday... PTSD NEXT wednesday.<br /><br /><br /><br />:) Atleast i'm getting stuff accomplished! If I concider pouring out your heart to complete strangers accomplishing something :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-63877743211732996932008-11-18T11:18:00.000-08:002008-11-18T11:22:47.804-08:00Fatigue - please let me be!I'm dead... atleast it feels like it. I can't move really... typing is even a chore. My fatigue has never been this bad :(<br /><br />I couldn't even make it to coffee with my brother today... and I ache... I feel as if I should just no longer be - because that in essence would be better than feeling how I feel right now.<br /><br />I can't even explain in words how horrible I feel.<br /><br />It's almost enough to cry...<br /><br />I feel horrible... I wish I was anybody but me for just a second... just enough time to catch my breath..... I feel like shit that's been left out in the sun and then hit with a hammer a couple dozen times and then hit by a bus.<br /><br />I wish I could move without effort.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-50235158080109231322008-11-17T00:42:00.001-08:002008-11-17T01:15:48.564-08:00I couldn't ImagineToday wasn't good healthwise... but good in every other way possible.<br /><br />I had an anxiety attack... my knees and arms hurt and my side was hurting a lot. I had to take another ativan... something I didn't want to do.. I'm debating whether an increase in Paxil will help... I guess I should try it since my doctor suggested it BEFORE I go and freak out to my doctor... however if I have 2 more by the end of the week... I'm seeing the doc, because if I don't keep them informed the doc isn't going to be much help... AND I might run out of ativan since they only gave me 10 pills of it.... and I don't want to fight through an anxiety attack.<br /><br />I've realized that anxiety has really been the biggest common factor in my life that has attributed to my poor health.<br /><br />But today I got out of the house :) Visited a friend, had coffee, went and visited my bf who is house-sitting for a friend right now for 2 weeks and played poker :)<br /><br />The whole bf basically moved out to another place thing for 2-weeks isn't my idea of a great thing :( BUT... he does live closer to his work right now... and without a car that's a legitimate reason to live closer... Awwww... but I miss him like crazy! What am I going to do without him?<br /><br />Tomorow I have so much I should do! All the offices are going to be open... which means I need to start calling again... and I'm expecting calls from people who need to get a hold of me or I've left messages with.<br /><br />I also hope to finish cleaning the kitchen :D and start a shopping list that includes YEAST... so I can make some bread! Gah! I always forget to pick that up (hence why capital letters were used to alert my sometime stagnant thought process to remember the importance of the word.)<br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br />Today was a good day.... ativan saved me.<br /><br />My friend said she knew crack heads who took ativan to come off their high smoother. Honestly for me it's a life saver... because if I didn't have it today.. I would have had a full-blown attack in the middle of my friend's apartment.<br /><br />I'm not even sure what set it off.<br /><br />My stomach has been upset all day... not sure from what... gah... my knees hurt real bad right now... I think i'm going to have a bath before I go to bed to try to get the pain to stop or lessen or whatever...<br /><br />Twice now I've had friends say "I couldn't imagine living life everyday in pain"... both times I was unsure how to respond.<br /><br />I really don't know how I feel towards that question... it's not that I don't want to answer truthfully... but in perspective, they are completely right... they CAN'T imagine living everyday with pain... because they've never had to overcome that challenge.<br /><br />It's not that the pain is overwhelming everyday... you get use to a certain amount of discomfort.. knowing your knee isn't going to stop throbbing but being able to carry out a conversation while it hurts is totally fine as long as you're not doing jumping jacks at the same time.<br /><br />I can still live life I just have to force myself to cope when things get a little bad (like today I almost passed out playing poker but I pulled myself back... I was in a lot of pain in my side and it was almost too much)<br /><br />So yeah... I live with pain everday... but not only that I deal with fatigue.. not sleeping restfully... muscle stiffness... muscle twitches... sound sensitivity... light sensitivity and anxiety attacks...<br /><br />This compounded is what makes everyday for me a challenge... the pain is one thing... but it's only one aspect of the challenges I face.<br /><br />So when somebody says "I couldn't imagine what it's like to be in pain everyday"<br /><br />I want to reply "It's a lot like not being in pain everday... just more painful... it's the willing yourself to work through a nightmare with the hope that things might improve that gets me"<br /><br /><br />*HappyThoughts*Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-55382566093563446472008-11-15T19:37:00.000-08:002008-11-17T01:19:16.549-08:00I have a HeadacheFirst headache in a long time... since I was diagnosed anyways... this one isn't too bad but it has the potential to get worst.<br /><br />My symptoms were really bad today.. lots of pain in my arms... lots of fatigue, but I'm finding breathing is helping... I haven't had an anxiety attack today.<br /><br />I'm sweating really bad though.. which I think i'll attribute to my headache.<br /><br />I'm going to bed early.. sometime after we hotbox the car.<br /><br />I'm really missing my bf, he's house sitting and I didn't see much of him today :( I think I'll make a point to go see him tomorow if he's not working (I don't even know what days he's working! GAH!)<br /><br />*sigh* NOT a big deal though.. he's probably busy drinking away watching the UFC fight (which I wanted to see but this headache is killing me)<br /><br />I think it might be the stress of seeing my mom and not seeing much of my bf over the last day... anything that is a change is stress... whether bad or good. I miss my boyfriend = stress. Seeing my mom see me baked = stress. Stressing about my headache = you guessed it! STRESS.<br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br />*HappyThoughts*<br /><br />anybody...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-15967917050789389892008-11-15T11:44:00.000-08:002008-11-15T12:01:14.244-08:00Oh. ShitAlright... trying to fend of an anxiety attack.. my mom just came to the door and she totally knew I was baked!<br /><br />It fucking scared the shit out of me at first when I saw her car parked outside the door. But she acted so childish about it that I couldn't actually be upset about it... it was more the initial shock + running up and down the stairs that got my heart racing. She saw me.. handed me the white magnetic boards I'd asked for and then stomped off all indignant - didn't even say a word really... I even started to ask if she wanted to go out for coffee but she said it didn't matter and stomped off.<br /><br />She smoked weed for years... who is she to judge me?<br /><br />But still... I hate that that just happened :(<br /><br />lol I should have invited her in for a bowl :P<br /><br />If only she was that reasonable :)<br /><br />So is life<br /><br />*HappyThoughts*Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-23753282422622463882008-11-15T08:43:00.001-08:002008-11-15T08:53:06.232-08:00Sleep!Well... from the end of my last post... until now I've been sleeping. Probably good for me... and I felt rested :D<br /><br />I've actually been feeling pretty good... although my anxiety problems are still bothering me and occationally I feel pain. But the pain hasn't been that bad... I think I can contribute that to walking everyday... although it's exauhsting.. my fatigue is still bad. And the pain honestly comes and goes through the day... but it's not constant!! :D<br /><br />So I've discovered lately whenever my heart rate goes up I have an chance for an anxiety attack. (right now I'm more worried about my anxiety than my fibro... since kicking my anxiety in the ass should make my fibro a little better!)<br /><br />I've been doing breathing exercises when I walk up the stairs so I'm not so out of breath... and my heart rate doesn't rise... since I think my last anxiety attack started when I walked up two flights of stairs.<br /><br />I wonder why my anxiety is going through the roof... I've always struggled with it... and now that I know what it is (I never attributed my little "episodes" of needing to calm down to anxiety... since I wasn't even fully aware what an anxiety attack was until I told my doctor what happened that day when walking home)<br /><br />I feel a bit naive... which is true... being oblivious to the fact that I've had anxiety problems since a child may not be my fault since I grew up in such a sheltered enviroment... but that doesn't make me feel THAT much better about it :P<br /><br />I was told to limit activities to things I enjoy and to take care of myself really well over the next couple of months and my fibro might get better???<br /><br />Perhaps.. but I'm not going to base my intire view of fibro off of one persons ability to get it into remission for 15 years. I may not be able to do that.. who knows. I'm just going to take it one day at a time... and yes.. I'm going to continue to do chores doctor :P they're a little essential for you to suggest NOT doing them... the guys sure aren't going to do it ALL for me :P<br /><br />*happythoughts*Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-26560598837680242642008-11-14T18:40:00.001-08:002008-11-14T18:55:40.952-08:00Long DayIt was a long day today. Spent two hours with the councillor *yay* heh... I'm not fond of sessions of that nature.. however they can be useful tools. I'm working on ways that I can bring my heart rate back down when I become anxious.<br /><br />I've also discovered that I've been having anxiety attacks for years... I took my med (NOT Zyban...) lol and I can't remember the actual name! And it calmed me right down... for the first time in forever I found something that could stop the rushing of thoughts and emotions that come with it.<br /><br />But I'm really drowsy (side effects) My Councillor believes I could have PTSD... and RLS is most likely the culprit for my sleeping problems. Amitrixiline is pronoun in increasing the vividness of dreams and I should go see a specialist to deal with my PTSD.<br /><br />Yay... more appointments... more talking about the magicalness of my childhood and relationship with my parents. Councilors are great... but I've learned the best thing you can do is give them all the information... don't make them try and pull it out of you. If you're honest and upfront and actually work with them to help you they're great... if you're resistant it's a lot harder for them to help you and it'll be a lot harder on you - it's their job to sit and listen to how much of a sob-story your life is and offer advice on how to cope.<br /><br />What interested me the most about the lady I talked to today was that she has fibromyalgia and got it to go into remission for 15 years.... perhaps she can help me :)<br /><br />It's only 7pm and i'm SO tired... I need a nap.<br /><br />G'night.<br /><br />*HappyThoughts*Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-77773731420464240872008-11-13T22:15:00.000-08:002008-11-13T22:52:15.012-08:00A Change in DirectionSince currently I'm moving in a negative direction... that probably isn't going to do me much good. I need to change gears and switch up what I'm doing. I need to take a breath and clear my head.<br /><br />Things aren't all that bad. Right now I'm in a very good position to start researching on opening my own buisness. I have a friend who is helping go for a walk everyday. I smoke weed. I relax. I have a supportive boyfriend. Things could be a whole lot worst.<br /><br />I must not just focus on the bad... because if I did... I would surely be miserable. Intead I must try and find joy in the good and hope that I will find some peace in it. It's really easy to be angry... it's really easy to feel down... but it's hard to see that things could be worst... and to live each life as a gift.<br /><br />Like the Turtle said in Kung Fu Panda.<br /><br />"You are too concerned with what was and what will be. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-32164341977605645312008-11-13T16:21:00.000-08:002008-11-13T16:31:38.352-08:00Waiting GameI'm so concerned that I have no way to know what to do at this point. I've done all the calling - talked to everyone I had to and now I'm in a waiting game.<br /><br />I just want this to all get solved.. I hate waiting.<br /><br />Today's been good :) went for a walk... relaxed. But it seems like such a pointless day.<br /><br />Sometimes life is stagnant. But I'll live.<br /><br />I just need to relax.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-35427640985452766082008-11-13T11:38:00.000-08:002008-11-13T11:47:36.715-08:00FrustratedSo I'm frustrated. Yesterday morning I got a call from my bf's uncle inviting us for dinner last night... but he called when I was sleeping and I had the conversation with him and forgot it until about 6 last night... when I was going through the caller ID and noticed they had called at 4.<br /><br />... How could I have not remembered talking to him on the phone?<br /><br />I have to watch this... I didn't realize I had talked to him... I had a similiar experience when some friends tried to wake me up and I talked to them and didn't remember until the morning and when I remembered it... I remembered it faintly... like it was a dream.<br /><br />I have to be careful... because this could get me into some trouble... if I talk to somebody I actualy NEED to talk to and not remember the convo.<br /><br />My life likes to take twist after twist. Sometimes I wish I could just get a break.<br /><br />:) Mmm chocolate down stairs... I should go get it... that'll make me feel better.<br /><br />Sometimes the little things in life is what makes life worth living... chocolate is one of those little things :)<br /><br />It's like forbidden fruit... it COULD make me real sick... but it tastes so freaking good!<br /><br />lol I love food sensitivities that are random when they decided to kick you in the ass.<br /><br />*HappyThoughts**Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-11620158913377383882008-11-12T22:59:00.000-08:002008-11-15T11:42:04.445-08:00MercuryMaybe in a moment of suffering you get a glance into the true flaws of humanity. The simple flaws stem from that we are not perfect... that we are creatures who have the ability to think of the outcomes of a possible situation and draw conclutions on what will be the most benifitial... and yet still are able to make a choice that could be more detrimental than good.<br /><br />When one is suffering it can become apparent that one's will is often not strong enough to will oneself to a task. Sometimes you're just not strong enough and you have to take the easy way out.<br /><br />The easy way out for me is to leave the situation... sit in a dark room away from noise and relax. Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to stick it out to the end of the night.<br /><br />I feel like little peices of me shatter away day after day.<br /><br />-------------<br /><br />This kind of thinking is no good. I need to start thinking positive.<br /><br />Gah....Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-89879437840557850992008-11-12T22:35:00.000-08:002008-11-12T22:44:21.208-08:00It's UpsettingI upset myself today. My inability to even just sit and have the motor-quardnation to pass a joint... I hurt so bad... It makes me almost want to cry.<br /><br />I'm trying to see hope but hope seems so distant... I hate what is happening to me... this is so hard to adjust to... adaption seems difficult under the circumstances.<br /><br />I'm not who I wish to be anymore... I'm somebody I'm trying to drag through the next day, just for that short glimse of sunlight, It's like I have to fight so hard for the things everybody else takes for granted...<br /><br />Sometimes all i want to do is stop fighting... but here I am losing even to myself.<br /><br />I feel so aweful... I feel so sad... why has life always been so dificult for me?<br /><br />Alas... another "Woe is Me" posts... you must tire of the predictability... because trust me... I tire of it as well.<br /><br />If I could hide away from everything I would...<br /><br />*SoSad*Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-61788783905056141482008-11-12T18:25:00.000-08:002008-11-12T20:04:43.764-08:00Disapointment seems my Fate.I guess, I'm not a strong as I hoped.... I guess I'm sick as I say. Sometimes the mind will make a conclution and the heart is hesitant to follow.<br /><br />I keep writing in here all the facts and knowledge I'm slowly discovering as days pasts... I hint occationally on what I believe... but in reality I try to follow the logical outcome.<br /><br />But sometimes... what you hope for.... what deep down you want... that denial... that things are as bad as you keep try trying to convince yourself... becomes apparent.<br /><br />I'm in a lot of pain right now... a lot of discomfort... sometimes life doesn't seem that jolly.<br /><br />*HappyThoughts*Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-53052785611005432262008-11-12T15:41:00.000-08:002008-11-12T15:48:23.082-08:00Manic Depression - more thoughtsI need to go somewhere.. to do something.. to get away from this house and have fun. I need some space to run.. I need to feel the wind... to see trees... to be free.<br /><br />But i'm too weak.. I can not leave. What I need to be is free from this body which pains me. To be free from myself for even a moment. My arms hurt... I get tired moving from one room to another... this is true agony. The agony of not being able to help yourself when you're suffering... to have to learn to live with pain and exauhstion.<br /><br />Manic Depression...<br /><br />Jimi said it well.<br /><br />I wish I was anybody but myself for just a moment... just for a moment of peace.<br /><br />-------<br /><br />Yoga tonight... I didn't go last week. I should make it this week. Damn it though.. I feel like shit.<br /><br />Sometimes I just wish for relief... but I know there is none in sight yet.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-40045710448724526672008-11-12T14:38:00.000-08:002008-11-12T14:46:50.974-08:00Manic Depression<div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Manic Depression's touching my soul,</span></em></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I know what I want,</span></em></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">but I just don't know how to go about getting it.</span></em></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"></span></em></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Music sweet music,</span></em></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">I wish I could caress, caress, caress.</span></em></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Manic Depression's a frustrating mess.</span></em></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Well, I think I'll go turn myself off an' go on down.</span></em></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">I</span></div><div align="center"><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">I</span></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span></em></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span></em></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"><em><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;"></span></em></div><div align="left">She stood and blinked twice at the light she was walking towards. The world was dark around her... and the only thing she could see was far in the distance... but for all she knew it was coming from an ocean away.</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">But she walked towards the light anyways... because the hope of light outweighed her doubt.</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left">----</div><div align="left"></div><div align="left"></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-7821969142226036812008-11-12T13:02:00.000-08:002008-11-12T13:19:40.959-08:00DreamingSo I thought at first I didn't dream last night. For some reason I slept until 1pm today... not a normal occurance.<br /><br />I actually forgot to take my meds last night. I've been extending so much energy to staying active and walking... that by the end of the day... after a couple tokes and hanging out for a couple hours in the evening my body just wants to shut down and lay in a dark room and sleep.<br /><br />Although last night I had night sweats like crazy.. I woke up and I was drenched head from toe. And I must have been dreaming vividly... because this morning I've been remembering things that never really happened. I don't think i'll forget my meds again.. I didn't mean to this time.<br /><br />The only problem with waking up at 1pm is that your day is almost over when your body wants to go to bed at 9.<br /><br />*HappyThoughts**<br /><br />Toking away :DUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-85817674445781891942008-11-11T22:40:00.000-08:002008-11-11T23:06:36.975-08:00Some WispsOn a less DEPRESSING note. Let me tell you a story to get us away from all this pain.<br /><br />This is the story about a little girl named Cindy and a misterious little pixie named Pretz. This isn't a happy story... nor a very sad story... it's just a story :)<br /><br />Cindy was always a quiet child... it wasn't until the birthday of her second year that she even cried. She was not a simple child as some would assume under the circumstances for she was quick to learn tasks and come to understanding, as she grew up with her adopted family...<br /><br />The discussion of the happening of Cindy's adoption was never voiced from Cindy's parents for at the age of 10 and at the exact moment of 10 both of Cindy's parents we killed instantly when a man made wave pool went hay-wire at the annual visit to the local theme park.<br /><br />Cindy was then moved to an old farm that doubled as an ophanage(sp) .<br /><br />The Orphanage was ill equiped and the children spent most of their days doing chores. There was little fun had... and little Cindy longed for more.<br /><br />Her wish was granted on a day that she went to try and catch chickens when she stumbled apon a circular ring of piculiar(sp) mushrooms with a tiny figure relaxing on them...<br /><br />Being currious Cindy shuffled her feet near the mushrooms, hoping that it would make enough noise to disturb and bring life to the motionless creature.<br /><br />^I know you're there^<br /><br />Take aback... Cindy jumped...<br /><br />^It's okay^ the little creature wispered ^don't be afriad^<br /><br />With a bit more reassurance Cindy smiled and said "nice to meet you"<br /><br />^Nice to meet you... i've been waiting a long time^<br /><br />....<br /><br />Now lay back and imagine this story in your head... it can go anywhere. Just make it up...<br /><br />I do these kind of things when I can't sleep to keep my thoughts less focused on things that can stress me... I figure if sitting here writing... and sitting and watching TV keeps my mind from racing... why can't telling a story in your head... It's to keep me focused so I can sleep.<br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br />I'm tired.<br /><br />NightUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-26892882860109973722008-11-11T21:55:00.000-08:002008-11-11T22:10:00.575-08:00SometimesSometimes... sometimes you look past the annylitcal and you realize reality.,, you're scared. It's okay I guess... to realize that under it all you're still holding your breath for every breath you can take. You've been fighting a long time and sometimes you just have to stop and realize that you're still just a kid in this grown up world of bills and deadlines... that sometims you lack knowledge... or understanding... and take a moment just for yourself to take a deep breath to tell yourself it's going to be okay... that life will let up some time and you'll get a moment to relax without any cares.<br /><br />But not yet... and probably not tomorow or the next... so you still have to bite your lip and keep trudging along. Lifes not all that bad :) It could be worse - it's been worse is what you keep saying but the totallity of it all is what takes its tole.<br /><br />Sometimes you just have to keep wishing for a rest.<br /><br />Sometimes you can't keep just riding on thoughts... on whisps of dreams of hope and you have to face reality.<br /><br />And that's life.<br /><br />**Reality*Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-2751808182667088372008-11-11T18:03:00.000-08:002008-11-11T18:29:22.420-08:00Everything...Everything... everything gets in the way of a lot of things. Everything is always everywhere...<br /><br />:) to bad everything makes my life more difficult.<br /><br />Haha eh... so is life.<br /><br />My cat is laying on the couch next to me... she's pretty cute. Honestly my favourite cat ever :)<br /><br />I had an awesome day today... not too much pain. Not too much fatigue... I walked most of the day which is great because walking should help with my symptoms.<br /><br />I really don't have much to write... I'm tired now that the day is coming to an end (at 6:30 I know) but I'm tired... and my brain doesn't want to work :(<br /><br />I'll write later.<br /><br />*HappyThoughts*Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-29849346148002523352008-11-11T11:48:00.001-08:002008-11-11T12:03:10.018-08:00Trek = GoodMy trek to the hospital was good. Although I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and perscribed Zyban for when things get really bad. The hospital is one of the worst places for my anxiety (the lights... sounds and such bother me a lot there)... my pulse was even high when the doctor took it.<br /><br />But yesterday was fun... we walked around waiting for my perscription (40 minutes and they were closed the next day... so I HAD to wait)<br /><br />Me and my friend flagged down somebody we knew who would have weed... toked while waiting for the hospital and then toked on the walk home. I find it really calms my nerves and helps me relax in stressful situations.<br /><br />So my doctor told me that the zyban is addictive and that I should be carefull... I'm not THAT worried about it... but it's a good thing to know. Supposidly it'll help if I ever get stuck in fight or flight mode again.<br /><br />For sure today I'm making brownies. My bf has work at 1:30 at his new job (I'm so happy for him) it'll be a good job. He's going to be working for the sea-plane base.<br /><br />I'm really tired today... my arms and legs feel really fatigued... yesterday took a lot out of me.. and I can feel it today.<br /><br />But sometimes you have to suffer later for a good time now. I had fun yesterday - I got out of the house with a friend - something I haven't been able to do in awhile.<br /><br />So today I get to miserable :P yay for highs and lows.<br /><br />**HappyThoughts***Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6596746830991962265.post-56344559680432912152008-11-10T13:03:00.000-08:002008-11-10T13:19:16.285-08:00A TrekSo my friend called me and said she needed to make a trip to the hospital and asked if I'd like to go with her (how nice... since I also have to make the walk... to talk about my anxiety).<br /><br />The last time I made that walk I had that episode where I was scared of everything and everything was making me feel horrible. I'm hoping that it won't happen again... I'm thinking I won't since I'll be with somebody to talk to... so I might not react the same. Plus I'm trying to stay calm.. and avoid stress since that happened. But even the other day the electric kettle was giving me a hard time.<br /><br />I'm also noticing that my sensitivity to sound has gone way up... and now I get annoyed at little things that nobody else is hearing. I think I also mention ealier that my ears have been ringing a lot (fibro fog... can't remember what I've written in other posts) and my memory has gotten WAY worst... I'll be looking for something in the cupboard and totally forget what I'm doing... I'm wondering if my symptoms are getting worst... or if over time they'll revert to before all this started... so sound isn't such a big deal for me.<br /><br />I'm even getting agitated even when loud music is going.. it's okay as long as it doesn't have any base... base seems to set me off the most.<br /><br />But i'm so happy I have somebody to walk with! I'm going to avoid talking about me being sick.. unless she brings it up. I find that's all I've been talking about lately.. and I need to be able to focus elsewhere to limit stress.<br /><br />*sigh* I'm far to analitical... and I think at times it is to my disadvantage. If you have to rationalize and find a reason or solution to every problem that you face... you are giving a lot of energy to those problems... energy that could be used towards other things. Not that I'm saying I need to not plan and put energy towards the things I face... but I need to find a healthy balance.<br /><br />Haha and here I am analizing how I'm analitical..<br /><br />So is life :)<br /><br />*HappyThoughts**Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0