I couldn't Imagine

Today wasn't good healthwise... but good in every other way possible.

I had an anxiety attack... my knees and arms hurt and my side was hurting a lot. I had to take another ativan... something I didn't want to do.. I'm debating whether an increase in Paxil will help... I guess I should try it since my doctor suggested it BEFORE I go and freak out to my doctor... however if I have 2 more by the end of the week... I'm seeing the doc, because if I don't keep them informed the doc isn't going to be much help... AND I might run out of ativan since they only gave me 10 pills of it.... and I don't want to fight through an anxiety attack.

I've realized that anxiety has really been the biggest common factor in my life that has attributed to my poor health.

But today I got out of the house :) Visited a friend, had coffee, went and visited my bf who is house-sitting for a friend right now for 2 weeks and played poker :)

The whole bf basically moved out to another place thing for 2-weeks isn't my idea of a great thing :( BUT... he does live closer to his work right now... and without a car that's a legitimate reason to live closer... Awwww... but I miss him like crazy! What am I going to do without him?

Tomorow I have so much I should do! All the offices are going to be open... which means I need to start calling again... and I'm expecting calls from people who need to get a hold of me or I've left messages with.

I also hope to finish cleaning the kitchen :D and start a shopping list that includes YEAST... so I can make some bread! Gah! I always forget to pick that up (hence why capital letters were used to alert my sometime stagnant thought process to remember the importance of the word.)

*sigh*

Today was a good day.... ativan saved me.

My friend said she knew crack heads who took ativan to come off their high smoother. Honestly for me it's a life saver... because if I didn't have it today.. I would have had a full-blown attack in the middle of my friend's apartment.

I'm not even sure what set it off.

My stomach has been upset all day... not sure from what... gah... my knees hurt real bad right now... I think i'm going to have a bath before I go to bed to try to get the pain to stop or lessen or whatever...

Twice now I've had friends say "I couldn't imagine living life everyday in pain"... both times I was unsure how to respond.

I really don't know how I feel towards that question... it's not that I don't want to answer truthfully... but in perspective, they are completely right... they CAN'T imagine living everyday with pain... because they've never had to overcome that challenge.

It's not that the pain is overwhelming everyday... you get use to a certain amount of discomfort.. knowing your knee isn't going to stop throbbing but being able to carry out a conversation while it hurts is totally fine as long as you're not doing jumping jacks at the same time.

I can still live life I just have to force myself to cope when things get a little bad (like today I almost passed out playing poker but I pulled myself back... I was in a lot of pain in my side and it was almost too much)

So yeah... I live with pain everday... but not only that I deal with fatigue.. not sleeping restfully... muscle stiffness... muscle twitches... sound sensitivity... light sensitivity and anxiety attacks...

This compounded is what makes everyday for me a challenge... the pain is one thing... but it's only one aspect of the challenges I face.

So when somebody says "I couldn't imagine what it's like to be in pain everyday"

I want to reply "It's a lot like not being in pain everday... just more painful... it's the willing yourself to work through a nightmare with the hope that things might improve that gets me"


*HappyThoughts*