A New Day

I'm fighting through a lot of pain to write this... my whole body aches - I am in complete agony - my bones feel bruised... my muscles torn with wear... the computer screen makes me nautous.. and my concentration is not all there... I cannot move without great pain and so I sit and write.

What am I... what am I but nothing... I am frail and weak... and I don't know how to fight this... I scared I'll lose the fight...

Somebody help?? No one can help :( No one seems to understand.

I'm so young - I have a whole life to live - a whole life that is nothing now - How I can I fight something that defeats you the more effort you throw at it? I try and sit and wait... I try to give myself time to heal... but I feel useless... and powerless to this force.

I feel like a burden to those around me... I try my best to do as much as I can but it's hard... who knew stairs would be my arch nemisis.... how I hate walking up and down them :(

This hurts me in so many ways... socially - I can't go out AND I can drink! - I get too tired and I need to rest at every stop - all I can do is stay at home and go to bed at a rediculously early hour... what 20 year old has to do that???

Honestly not working is really really hard - everybody else works! - I sit at home and try and clean the best I can and I don't even have the energy for that most of the time :(

It's hard to admit that I'm having memory problems *haha - not because of weed* because my body has to process pain ALL the time and my nervious system is on overload I have a hard time processing information. I'll walk into a room for something and totally forget what it was by the time I get there - It's not a good feeling having to stop for a second to think about what you walked from the living room to the kitchen for.

Sometimes you just have to say fuck my life...

honestly this is one of those times.

**fuck my life*