Notes To Myself

Please remember to do the following things each day:

Smile :)
Go for a Walk :)
Give bf a Kiss when he leaves to Work:)
Take it Easy :)
Enjoy the Little Things :)
Love Life :)
Act like Everyday is a Day Gained :)
Remember to Breathe :)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Mmm Link!

Lets link this to my new one:

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


So went to talk to the lady about my anxiety and she basically told me that she doesn't think I should even concider going back to work for atleast 6 months. She said that it's going to take a long to time to work through what's behind my anxiety - and deal with my PTSD and deal with my fibro and deal with underlying depression that she's sure I have.

At first I was shocked at the diagnosis of depression, so I asked her what the definition of the word was... and the inability to feel joy or happyness is the definition... so I guess in some ways I'm depressed because I do have a hard time finding joy in things.

But this sucks I was hoping a 3 month leave would be enough... 6 months or longer?

And shit... I don't want to do the PTSD therapy there are certain things that are best left unremembered.... but I guess it might help... DAMN it though... fuck...


Chronic pain workshop tomorow at 5:30... another councillor appnt. at 10:45 on friday.... I'm tired of having everything in my day revolving around me being somewhere to talk about me being sick... being sick is hard enough without having to go place to talk about being sick all the time.

Gah.... I'm just frustrated... not sure what to do with myself really... I just wanted to get through this faster than 6 months.

Macavity: The Mystery Cat

One of my favourite poems of all time <3

Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw--
For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime--Macavity's not there!
Macavity, Macavity, there's no on like Macavity,
He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.
His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
And when you reach the scene of crime--Macavity's not there!
You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air--
But I tell you once and once again, Macavity's not there!
Macavity's a ginger cat, he's very tall and thin;
You would know him if you saw him, for his eyes are sunken in.
His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly doomed;
His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed.
He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake;
And when you think he's half asleep, he's always wide awake.
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
For he's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.
You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square--
But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity's not there!
He's outwardly respectable. (They say he cheats at cards.)
And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard's.
And when the larder's looted, or the jewel-case is rifled,
Or when the milk is missing, or another Peke's been stifled,
Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair--
Ay, there's the wonder of the thing! Macavity's not there!
And when the Foreign Office finds a Treaty's gone astray,
Or the Admiralty lose some plans and drawings by the way,
There may be a scap of paper in the hall or on the stair--
But it's useless of investigate--Macavity's not there!
And when the loss has been disclosed, the Secret Service say:
"It must have been Macavity!"--but he's a mile away.
You'll be sure to find him resting, or a-licking of his thumbs,
Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums.
Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macacity,
There never was a Cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.
He always has an alibit, or one or two to spare:
And whatever time the deed took place--MACAVITY WASN'T THERE!
And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known
(I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone)
Are nothing more than agents for the Cat who all the time
Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of Crime!


Alas if I paid more attention to rhyme and scale... or if I actually applied myself poetry might be fun to write :D

btw this poem is written by TS Eliot <--- Brilliant :D

My Cat

Honestly... without my little bundle of hairy joy my life would have less meaning. My cat will come and cuddle with me when I'm sad or hurting... or play and go catch plastic pop bottle lids when I throw them... and KINDA bring them back to me... she's a cat though... she drops it just outside of my reach about 89 percent of the time.

Sometimes my cat is the only one home with me... and keeps me company when I'm lonely... climbs under my blankets and cuddles against my legs to keep herself warm and purrs as she cuddles :)

I can also call her from upstairs and she'll answer as she's running up the stairs that she's on her way...

She's so tiny that she's no problem to carry either. And I love her calico antics <3

*Happy Thoughts*

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Need a Cheerful Blog

Cheer time!

It's not good to be down all the time and sad... so I thought I'd make a good long list of all the things I'm super happy about :D

For one... I have lots of great friends who are pretty much awesome ;P
For two... My bf is totally awesome :D
For three... I'm not dying
For four... I have coffee right now :)
For five... I may not be able to dance... but I can always *dance*
For six... My life can only go UP from here :P
For seven... I have atleast six things I'm happy about :D
For eight... My house is nice and warm :D
For nine... I want to "jump and get crazy" - music makes me smile :D
For ten... I can *throw rocks* at all sorts of people
For eleven... I have WEED :D
For twelve... the coffee I was talking about ealier is actually a mocha!
For thriteen... the MOTHER2 fan-translation is DONE!
For fourteen... KOTOR anybody>
For fifteen... Diablo II is a life saver if you're bored.
For sixteen... I'm 20!!! Haha.. not a teen an adult :P
For seventeen.. I look 16!! Hehe... student discounts :D
For eighteen... I have this goddamn computer with all it's crazy problems
For ninteen... I have friends who have weed :P
For twenty... I love to BLOG :D:D




Yes... Happy :D

But in other news I have 3 appointments with councilors about my (PTSD.. Anxiety... and work situation) Anxiety tomorow.. Work... Friday... PTSD NEXT wednesday.

:) Atleast i'm getting stuff accomplished! If I concider pouring out your heart to complete strangers accomplishing something :)

Fatigue - please let me be!

I'm dead... atleast it feels like it. I can't move really... typing is even a chore. My fatigue has never been this bad :(

I couldn't even make it to coffee with my brother today... and I ache... I feel as if I should just no longer be - because that in essence would be better than feeling how I feel right now.

I can't even explain in words how horrible I feel.

It's almost enough to cry...

I feel horrible... I wish I was anybody but me for just a second... just enough time to catch my breath..... I feel like shit that's been left out in the sun and then hit with a hammer a couple dozen times and then hit by a bus.

I wish I could move without effort.

Monday, November 17, 2008

I couldn't Imagine

Today wasn't good healthwise... but good in every other way possible.

I had an anxiety attack... my knees and arms hurt and my side was hurting a lot. I had to take another ativan... something I didn't want to do.. I'm debating whether an increase in Paxil will help... I guess I should try it since my doctor suggested it BEFORE I go and freak out to my doctor... however if I have 2 more by the end of the week... I'm seeing the doc, because if I don't keep them informed the doc isn't going to be much help... AND I might run out of ativan since they only gave me 10 pills of it.... and I don't want to fight through an anxiety attack.

I've realized that anxiety has really been the biggest common factor in my life that has attributed to my poor health.

But today I got out of the house :) Visited a friend, had coffee, went and visited my bf who is house-sitting for a friend right now for 2 weeks and played poker :)

The whole bf basically moved out to another place thing for 2-weeks isn't my idea of a great thing :( BUT... he does live closer to his work right now... and without a car that's a legitimate reason to live closer... Awwww... but I miss him like crazy! What am I going to do without him?

Tomorow I have so much I should do! All the offices are going to be open... which means I need to start calling again... and I'm expecting calls from people who need to get a hold of me or I've left messages with.

I also hope to finish cleaning the kitchen :D and start a shopping list that includes YEAST... so I can make some bread! Gah! I always forget to pick that up (hence why capital letters were used to alert my sometime stagnant thought process to remember the importance of the word.)


Today was a good day.... ativan saved me.

My friend said she knew crack heads who took ativan to come off their high smoother. Honestly for me it's a life saver... because if I didn't have it today.. I would have had a full-blown attack in the middle of my friend's apartment.

I'm not even sure what set it off.

My stomach has been upset all day... not sure from what... gah... my knees hurt real bad right now... I think i'm going to have a bath before I go to bed to try to get the pain to stop or lessen or whatever...

Twice now I've had friends say "I couldn't imagine living life everyday in pain"... both times I was unsure how to respond.

I really don't know how I feel towards that question... it's not that I don't want to answer truthfully... but in perspective, they are completely right... they CAN'T imagine living everyday with pain... because they've never had to overcome that challenge.

It's not that the pain is overwhelming everyday... you get use to a certain amount of discomfort.. knowing your knee isn't going to stop throbbing but being able to carry out a conversation while it hurts is totally fine as long as you're not doing jumping jacks at the same time.

I can still live life I just have to force myself to cope when things get a little bad (like today I almost passed out playing poker but I pulled myself back... I was in a lot of pain in my side and it was almost too much)

So yeah... I live with pain everday... but not only that I deal with fatigue.. not sleeping restfully... muscle stiffness... muscle twitches... sound sensitivity... light sensitivity and anxiety attacks...

This compounded is what makes everyday for me a challenge... the pain is one thing... but it's only one aspect of the challenges I face.

So when somebody says "I couldn't imagine what it's like to be in pain everyday"

I want to reply "It's a lot like not being in pain everday... just more painful... it's the willing yourself to work through a nightmare with the hope that things might improve that gets me"