Day One

Today is the first full day after my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.

Now I don't like the word diagnosis, it's not a happy word at all... it's a word used only when something is wrong and if I had a solution to make it all right at least I'd have something to work towards but there is no solution, so no amount of work will make me better.

I don't want to make this a big deal, I don't want many people to know - how can you explain it so they can understand? I don't even understand it. There is nothing physically wrong with me but my body hurts - it almost defies logic except that I'm living with it so I have to accept it.

At this point what am I suppose to do? I'm in denial a bit I think. I was suppose to see my doctor today, call disability, talk to my employer - but if I do all those things that means that this isn't something all in my head that I'm going to wake up and realize that I'm just making it up from. This is me accepting something is wrong and doing the things I'm suppose to about it and I don't want to accept it yet.

And what about work? What am I going to say to them: "Oh.. yeah I have Fibromyalgia... my muscular tissue likes to hurt all day and I have limited energy and sleeping problems... and... I'm going to have this for the rest of my life!"

Am I going to be able to be reliable? Am I going to be able to wake up in the morning everyday and have the energy to do my job? What if I CAN'T do it? Where am I then... do I look for a different job or go on disability? What am I going to do with my life if I DON'T work...

What kind of question will my job ask themselves? Will they second guess giving me promotions or new tasks if I do end up working full time? Will they be accommodating or difficult? Will they be understanding or think that I'm complaining or making most of it up?

I can see why people would second guess it. Who has something that has no known causes and can appear as blatant laziness? It could look like a great excuse.

But thinking about what CAN happen isn't going to help me. What I NEED to do is assess myself today, figure what I can do TODAY and move on and do what I can with that. I need to take care of MYSELF, not worry about what other people think, or might think but have an understanding that I know how I feel, I know that I hurt and that's all that matters - who cares what everybody else thinks.

Heh... if only it could be that easy to actually just accept that - I guess this is just the beginning so I shouldn't be surprised if I have bad days, days where I'm upset about it, days where things don't work out the way I want them too.

I dunno this is all so new. I do have to pick up my prescription Gabapentin from the hospital today. So I should get on that heh.. but in a bit ugh I'm comfy :P

Hopefully I can avoid my doctor and I'll go see her on Monday, I'm not ready to go talk to her about it yet.

I found out today that one of my teachers has the same thing. I should try and visit with her, it would be great to talk to somebody else who can understand what its like. I talked to a lady yesterday who also has it but she was almost falsy cheery on the phone and my teacher is closer to my age so she might know what can help when you first find out.

Aaaaa... I'm so lost! lol happy thoughts though :P Happy Thoughts :P Getting all dismal about this isn't going to make it better :P I got shit to do a life to live :) nobody said everything would work out perfect.