So everybody didn't get home until I was about to get up this morning. It makes me a bit jealous that they have the energy to go out and party all night and I have to stay home and force pills down my throat. It's not really fair... but in the famous words of my dad: Life's not Fair, Get Over It.
It was a friend's birthday party today and her house is only across the circle, but it really seemed just too far away to be able to make it. Plus, if I go out, I have to stay out for a bit and when they want to start partying at 11 I really can't keep up. I'm also taking twice as much as my medication right now as I was before, and taking another one to help me sleep so until I can get stable on everything I don't want to take the chance of staying out late and messing up my routine. Once I'm stable and have been on my meds for awhile I'll see how things are.
FUCK. Okay... I sound like I'm all drugged up. But I am. The medication I'm taking I have to take 3 times a day 2 pills at a time, it helps with nerve disorders and well... I have a nerve disorder.
I keep thinking that maybe this is all in my head that I'm not actually sick... and sick isn't even a word I can use to describe what's wrong with me. When you have a disorder you're not sick... when you have a disorder it means there is just something wrong with you and you're going to have to live with it. At least chicken noodle soup, rest and water can help you recover when you're sick. I can't recover.
I've been doing more research on all of this and I've concluded my body pretty much just hates me - the fact that my nerves are sending false information to my brain isn't a good thing and is actually rather upsetting. The fact that I have to take medication to help with the false nerve thingy... not much of a help either. I NEVER WANTED TO END UP LIKE THIS - taking medication everyday - being on disability - I just wanted to live a normal life. Why can't I have that? My life has been an adventure at least.
Maybe some people have to live shitty lives to help them appreciate the little things in life. At the moment I'm a bit bitter about this whole thing - but it's not the end of the world. I still have my family and friends, I still can get up in the morning and make breakfast (most of the time), I can still do a lot of the things I enjoy - it's just harder now that's all - just something that I'll have to work through -I'll have to grow stronger because I don't have a choice, I refuse to let this take over my life.
People say life is short - right now it seems like a pretty long journey.
Happy Thoughts **
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